my friend job

Yesturday I finished up the Timothy's and today I headed into Job. The first chapter of Job is the most known and talked about... sometimes I question if anybody actually reads the rest of Job. I know I've read it a few times, but this time I'm going to take my time and really try to understand where he is coming from and what's actually taking place in the conversations that Job is having in the last 26 chapters of the book.

Now when people speak of Job, I'd probably say the most common reference from his book (and by "his book" I mean the book written about him, because as I learned this morning, he did not actually write the book) is Job 1:20-21 where it states,
"20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. 21 And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."
Usually you hear this passage right before singing Blessed Be the Name of the Lord... and don't get me wrong, I think it is a very powerful passage, but praising God in hard times has never come that difficult to me -- Maybe it's because I started dealing with some pretty tough stuff at a pretty young age that I didn't know to do any different, who knows. But the passage in Job that speaks volums to me is Job 1:7&8
"The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” 8 And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?”
What an honor! The God of the entire universe says that there is no one like him in all the earth. If that's not what we should be striving for, I don't know what is. God practically tells satan to tempt Job because God is sure that Job will not budge. That never ceases to amaze me. Ever. That is my prayer... that God would look on me and call me blameless and upright... and that He would be sure that I will not waiver under temptation. I think temptation is the wrong word... I'm not sure what word to use though. Test, maybe test would be a better word. Because satan is testing his trust and faith in God.

all glory be to the lamb who was slain.

the cell which is commonly freed

I have realized that my time-waster of choice is freecell. If ever I want to put off studying or sleep or really anything, I play freecell. I used to look at the game and think it couldn't be done, but now I get the job done pretty much every time. It is possible to win every time, you just have to want it.

Also, the appartment complex across the way from my house must be jacked up. Because police are always there. And it's not the "let's hang out while we're on our shift" type of always there. But about this time, usually anywhere from midnight to three in the morning there comes a police with it's lights on tearing into the place. This happens at least a couple times a week, and at least a couple times a month, if not more, there are like five or six cop cars congragated over there... flashing lights and blocking the road, and the whole deal. I enjoy it quite thoroughly, actually. It is quite entertaining. But I always wonder why. And I know they expect it, because I'd say 5 out of 7 nights a week there is a cop stationed right outside my house, in perfect view of my bedroom window... so I usually go to sleep to flashing blue and red lights. I've actually highly considered going out and asking them, but I figure that's just weird.

"love what you do and do what you love"

That quote is kind of redundant if you ask me. If are doing what you love, then obviously you should love doing it. But I guess that isn't always the case...

Now I would say that it's safe to say that I enjoy learning... just usually not in a school context. The forceful learning just takes the fun and mystery out of it for me, I guess. But tonight as I was studying for my Evaluation of Athletic Injuries of the Lower Extremities class, specifically learning about the hip and thigh tonight, I realized that it wasn't a drag. And even though I have a test tomorrow and I need to learn oodles of information, I like it. I enjoy learning the information, even when it comes down to crunch time. And I enjoy the fact that I love what I'm learning.



Oh, and if possible, or even remotely plausible, I would choose to chizzle away the muscles in my back... because I am sure that it would feel better than it does right now.

A New Day

So the other day I was thinking back on my life and decided that Aug. 22, 2007 was the worst day of my life. It's the day I found out matt had cancer. I have never cried harder. I was just thinking about that. I've been thinking about the past a lot this semester. Not in a bad way, but with new eyes... with new insight. Reflecting on where I have been, and where I am currently, and how I have changed. I feel like I am night and day from a year ago today even. It blows my mind sometimes when I think about it. Sometimes there are earthly desires to go back to where I was, but those are always fleeting desires.

Then to think back to last semester and how I am night and day even from then.... only in an entirely different sense. Last semester I was so close to dropping out of school and checking into the hospital perminantely... and this semester I feel as healthly as I ever have. It's very strange, for sure. To be honest, I don't ever remember being this healthy... I say that knowing that I am not, but still feeling like I am. And I'm not sure if that season of my life has past completely or I am just on a little vacation from all of my sickness. I mean, there may be a reason that I haven't found out the results of the uptake that I took in Febraury -- I mean, it's a good way to make me not worry about it.

Last night in Bible study we looked at the last half of Ephesians 2, the part that stuck out to me particularly was:

12 remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. 13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. 14 For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility 15 by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, 16 and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility.

I liked that Paul was reminding them to remember where they had come from-- because then we can so much more appreciate where we are at now. He was specifically referring to before and after salvation... but I just applied it to all aspects of my life. So many times we forget where we came from and thus are not thankful enough for where we are at currently. So many times I go through my days not thankful for my health because I forget how sickly I was last semester. But those time when I do remember- they are so sweet... and all glory is given to my God.


Today I'm tired... $5 Prom is tonight, so that should be some crazy fun.

little is much

Sometimes I feel like God forgets that He has the power to perform miracles... because when it comes down to it, I don't understand why He doesn't sometimes. But that is also the beauty of not being God and not seeing the whole picture. Sometimes I wish I could see the whole picture... but that eliminates the growing period I guess, which is usually pretty crucial. I may never understand death though... or sickness. I have experienced a lot of sickness in my life, and I'm okay with it... rarely do I understand it at the time, and usually it sucks pretty bad, but I'm always, for some reason, okay with it. Maybe that's because I've accepted it as part of my life, like I have realized that sickness will always be apart of me.

But I can never quite accept it being apart of someone else. It is a whole different picture... specially when death awaits at the end of the sickness... I'm not okay with that. And I feel like the people I know who this has happened to would be the last people on this plante who deserved it, if we were speaking in those terms. People who have done with work of the Lord their entire lives.

I've been praying for Jane alot these days... and the song "Everything Glorious" by David Crowder has come to mind alot as well. It is the song that got me through my hell semester... and she will be made glorious. Today when I was praying for her was when I just thought that God had to forget he could save her... because I have no other explination why He hasn't. And I realize that that is completely naive of me, but it's what my heart feels, though I know it isn't truth. The mayo clinic says that they've never seen anyone degrade as fast as she has-- in a way I take comfort in that, knowing that the suffering time will decrease as well-- but in a way I think it means that I don't know if God is going to heal her. I mean... she deserves to be in His presence... how amazing. But how hard for everyone back here.


My Jesus, you make everything glorious.

the great escape

note to self: look up artist Phil Wickham – supposively really good, and sounds like Shawn Mcdonald.

--written thurs night-- but no internet because our internet sucks --
So tonight a group came to Cru that was called “the traveling team’’ or something to that effect. They came and shared about “missions” although I don’t want to use that word. Because the word missions has so many connotations to it. And they took all of the connotations of missions and smashed them to pieces, basically. It was good, real good. If it was on tape (and by that I mean cd) I would have purchased it, for sure. They just basically talked about how people say that they haven’t heard a call from Jesus, when they are missing that it is a command – to bare witness to Christ. So I didn’t really read into it at all besides the fact that I thought it was really good and I really liked the scripture they used. It didn’t seem like God was talking to me specifically through it, but it was great nonetheless.

They afterwards at Calvary I got to talking with Erica Pridey, whom I haven’t talked to this whole year pretty much. And we got to talking about project… not in any way that she brought it up and was pressing it upon me at all – but she got to talking about her job this summer at a church out in CO. And I got to asking about the project that goes on out there every other summer. It is childcare during the day, and witnessing during the nights… so it’s what I love during the day, and what I need during the nights. And it’s Colorado… can you say adventure? Now I’ve always had a huge blockade in my mind towards project… and mostly because my heart is at camp. But that’s where MY heart is… and maybe not where God’s heart is for me anymore. And I don’t want to say anymore like it won’t ever be again – like I know this summer I will still be at camp and God will still use me there. But at the same time, specially after talking with Adam Roub about going on a project then coming back to camp with so much more knowledge. I want that knowledge that you could only get on project, and as much as I don’t want to admit it and I say it’s not, camp is my safe haven. Yes it is challenging, but it’s safe. It’s what I know.

It’s not a done-deal, but it’s something that I will be prayerfully considering. I also think it’s a good thing that I’m going into the summer thinking about it, so I don’t go about the summer acting like I’ll just be there next year, because I think that I have taken things for granted when I do that, because every year, I am with a good amount of certainty that I will be there the following year. But if I go into the summer and looking at it that I won’t be there the next, I will do everything with so much more passion I think. At least that will be my prayer.
So God right now I ask that you would guide me. I ask that you would show me Your will, and that my ideas, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, would not be effected in this decision… that I would be completely relying on you to decide my next summer. I realize that it is still a ways away and I need to be focusing on the here and now, but this would be a big step for me. Help me to lay down my desires and seek yours. But I ask that yours would be made clear to me. I ask that you would put Godly people in my life or use ones already in my life to make the decision clear to me.

the apple

i guess today i'm seeing things differently. she was only trying to protect herself... i do the exact same thing. we has humans protect ourselves. if a situation is causing us pain and doesn't appear to change, we get out. it's instinct. i can't hold that against her. i now have to get over 15 years of resenting her... which will undoubtably be a challenge. but i like challenges, right? like the challenge of getting to my next class in five minutes, hah. hopefully i'll get to know her and maybe ever bridge the gap of our family again (HIGHLY unlikely, but remember how i like challenges?) No, my only goal in this situation is to maybe get to know my long-lost grandmother and show her the love of Christ, as I know she needs it so desperately.

"I guess I took the easy way out"

bev laskowski said this to me. i have been resenting her lately. i shot her a letter and she responded real quick-- and i guess i didn't like her response. i've been dealing with that a lot i guess.

here and gone

Sometimes I write entire posts and then realize they were completely pointless and the only real reason that I have written them is because I cannot find anything else to do... so then I delete them due to the fact they are full of gibberish.

hard as wound

I have a busy life... it's true. But doesn't everybody to an extent? Some busier than others, yet most think their own life is incredibly busy. So I decided that some people probably have a busier life than I, therefore I can stop thinking my life is busy in account that it is not as busy as it probably could be.... and therefore I must have spare time somewhere in my schedule. All this to say that I am going to read a book this week... I haven't read much this semester because I've felt my schedule is too busy and in my spare time I read text books. But I am going to make it a point to read a book this week... probably in the time that I'd usually be online. Because let's face it, this is not entirely necesary.

b-u to the dish

Tonight the seminar was all about catastrophies with athletes and how to deal with them... and along with that we talked a lot about death in athletics... Going into the seminar I didn't even consider that it would effect me how it did. For a lot of it I could concentrate on nothing but thoughts of Brian.... and how it is still almost surreal to me. Then I realized it's only been 3.5 months-- that's not a lot period of time. They talked about how most people don't deal with death right away but it takes most people a little while to actually grasp onto the fact... but I replay that night over and over in my head.... I was driving home from school and for some reason, still completely unknown to me, God put Brian on my heart to pray for him and his family.... and I was passing through Becker when my mom for some reason called, I cannot remember why... I remember her words so vividly... the sound, how she said it..... "ashley, brian died this morining..." I instantly felt more anger than I've ever felt. I almost instantly also burst into tears, and hung up the phone without saying a word... the second the phone closed I sobbed for the remainder of the trip home. My first thought was, 'it's my fault' --I'm not sure how it could have been my fault-- I thought that because I hadn't prayed for him the past couple days... that for some reason those few prayers that I missed were God's reason for allowing him to die... that if I had just remembered to pray for him constantly, that God would have spared his life. But the guilt that I felt-- and why? Am I so prideful to think that it was my lack of prayer that allowed him to die? ...but I think it was less pride and more pain... trying to reason and understand his death, needing to put blame somewhere, and knowing it should never be placed on God.

On the way home that night my tears nearly blinded me, but I wouldn't stop driving... I almost wanted to crash so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. I still keep the bulletin from the funeral right by my bed with my bible.

I guess all this to say that I did experience immediate horrific pain... but then I think I tried to shove it away... pretend that I'm up at school and because I wouldn't see him everyday up here that life still went on as usual back home. But that seminar was really hard for me.


tonight i cry... tonight i continue to mourn... whatever mourn means. i miss him. i wish when i go home i can see him... i wish when i see his family everything can be okay... i wish that its not different... but how can i be so selfish? how can i wish he was back here? how can i wish him away from his perfect body? how can i wish him away from true and complete communion with God? ...he doesn't suffer anymore. no more treatments. no more pain. no more worries. i need to find my joy in that.


i just needed to get all my emotions out tonight-- i don't think i've ever expressed how this has made me feel... this is just a glimpse.




"i come to you in pieces, so you can make me whole..."

spring is in the now

So as I was about to walk home from school tonight - which was abnormally late due to an NATA seminar that I had - I was about to call a roommate to come get me because it was so late, but then I stepped outside and realized that I wanted to walk home... it is so gorgeous outside- I could even see stars! The cool night air was delightful to breathe in, the temperature was perfect, and I was listening to some amazing music, and I'm not sure how the night could have been better... my life is good... God, is good.

Mid-Day Hoopla

So I just have athletic training for four hours a day this week, because it's spring break... So what on earth is there to do in college town when every college kid is out of the town? Buy a pizza and watch movies... so that's what i did... and it was joyous. I watched two movies, and have two reviews:



Into the Wild: The soundtrack was much like that of Garden State, so right away I enjoyed the music, and there was a lot of it, so the movie had that going for it. I thought the movie was put together well and it wasn't boring, although it potentially had that effect being as it just followed a guy being a hippie/nomad. Going into this movie I had no idea that it was based on a true story... and had I, I probably wouldn't have watched it. Because when its a true story, that means it probably won't have a happy ending, call me a critic, but most times real live stories don't have the fairy-tale endings. I enjoyed the movie, I really did... all the way up until the last five minutes.... when the man died. It was so close (in my mind) to being a heart-warming, feel-good ending, and then it didn't. I almost sat in disbelief... thinking "i can't believe i just wasted my life watching that movie" ...all the while five minutes prior i would have recommended the movie to all. Not anymore -- no siree.

Gone Baby, Gone: I came into this movie not knowing much about it... except that it wasn't based on a true story-- i checked. Now, on the back cover where it describes the movie, it said there were many twists to the movie... never could a description been more correct. I thought the movie was over 1/2 way into it. So in this sense, I thought the movie did drag on for far too long. And although twists in movies are good for the suspense factor, I think this movie had one too many* twists to it... I didn't even catch everything there were so many twists-- and I'm pretty sure you were supposed to at least track with them. So I would recommend Man on Fire if you wanted to see a movie about a kidnapping-- it is at least ten times better than this movie. Although, I did like Casey Affleck-- who, I can only assume is Ben Afflecks brother. I'm not really into the whole celebrety thing, but I thought he was a very talented actor.




*i say one too many as a figure of speech, because i think it had way too many

Soli Deo Gloria

Saturday, the 1st of March I went to Forever Yours Tattoo in Anoka and got a tattoo. At the same time Matt got two on his feet. As each day passes, I enjoy it more and more.... if nothing else but the pure significance of what it means.

leap day

this is leap year. and this is leap day. i almost went through the entire day without even knowing that. i am almost appauled. such a unique day... i feel like there should be posters everywhere. i found out reading someones status on facebook which read "...is wishing you a happy leap year" lame, right. now that i know what i know, today shall be unique and amazing.

becoming jane

although it was a true story, and i realize they didn't want to completely deviate from the actual story, i didn't like the ending... the movie had great potential for the ending to be good... and for jane austen to have a very romantic life-- but nope. it may have a lot to do with the fact that i like good endings to movies or the entire movie gets written off in my mind. now take out the ending, and i still don't think they had enough character development in the movie. maybe you're supposed to know the characters already, i don't know. i'm not a novel type of person.

but what i do know is that i have to get up early tomorrow and go to the chiropractor, so as for now, i shall go to sleep.

determination

determination is what i need: i started crocheting a blanket today. However, I got farther today on this one than I did working on my last one for a month.... i like this one better anyways, so that's a good thing-- i am usuing a hook twice the size, so that should definately help.

i slept 11 hours last night -- and i needed every single one of them... and right now i'm barely keeping my eyes open, so hopefully i'll sleep lots tonight as well.

i got bread crumbs all over my carpet tonight-- but good thing we have like three vaccums in this house--those will be helpful at a time like this.

friday night i went to upsala to watch krystal and greta's last dance at the bball game... that was pretty fun. then i went over to the swansons and had a blast until the wee hours of the morning... like always. good times. i like that family... a lot.

out of all the superhero movies, i think spiderman might be my least favorite... although i've never seen the hulk. maybe i should put that on my to-do list. i think i've pretty much seen all the rest though.... i should look that up. more to come.

countless sleepless nights

ashley thinks that she'll never actually get a good nights sleep again... but long awaits the day when i prove myself wrong.

the radioactive iodine that has been in me all day doesn't like me very much... it's making my stomach feel like everything that is not good in this world.

the bema seat was good tonight. much better the first time i saw it, however.

i'm going to sleep.... then getting up at 530.... so help me God. no, really. i need help.

i hate the doctor

i hate no doctor specifically, although there are a few that are on my list for the top people i do not exactly like.... i have so many doctors i have realized that its getting a little ridiculous. most people have one, maybe two doctors. I have... lets see here... nine that I can think of off the top of my head that I see on at least semi-regular occasion. And I'm on a first-name basis with three of the doctors' nurses. Meaning I call in and say "Hey it's me ashley again, call me back". man I see these doctors way too much. specially because i have to make all my appointments at seven in the morning to avoid missing classes. When really, going to the doc is a legit reason to skip a class or two, but apparently i have to deal with my conscience on top of everything.

i'm just getting sick of the doctor. all of them. in general. and those feelings are combinding with the fact that i'm caring less and less about my health -- and i'm not too sure how good that is for me.... i'm just glad that i don't have to go in twice a week anymore... because i was about to just forget it and never go anymore.... but good thing i switched doctors and now he wants me to come in every four months for him... which i can do. but he did order more tests for me that take place at 7am.... i thought for sure that i had every test in the book... oh wait, i have.... now we're just repeating tests for funzies.

oh... the joy.

late nights

Oh, how I so enjoy no sleep. It is most definately the highlight of my nights, and especially my days. Wait... no. I'm pretty sure I am severely sleep deprived at this moment in time. My schedule with school leaves no time to breathe or sleep, really. Then this past weekend I was at camp so there was no recooperating. Specially because I went right from camp to 5 hours of AT on Sunday, then came home to hours of homework. Then tonight I had to give into an energy drink so I'd be able to stay up and study for spanish... which I'm oober glad that I did. Because I know hardly any spanish, and being as I have a test tomorrow... learning spanish was a good idea... so is having a roommate who is fluent. That is nice too. Go Brooke.

Everything hurts all over. I am one big bruise. Both my knees are entirely not skin colored anymore, but rather blue purple black and green. yum. Then, for some reason my stomach is bruised as well, and more my sides too. The knees obviously were from broomball this past weekend, but I do not recall getting too many sticks to the stomach-region. So who knows. But the bruises on my stomach/sides are much more painful then my knees, because it hurts to move in any direction because its my torso... which is involved in most all motions of the body.

Good thing I didn't schedule a chiro appt for the morning -- I will not want to be getting up, that is for sure. So that means I shall go now so I can get the most hours of sleep possible.... and maybe in the morning I won't feel so crappy... but don't worry, I bought an extra energy drink so I can make it through the day tomorrow... oh how I hate energy drinks, or moreso hate the fact that I have deprived myself of so much sleep that I cannot function without them-- even though it was completely out of my control... sort of.