...results...

i'm trying not to think about it
but when i do it scares the crap out of me
the sixth of september
it's okay to be nervous
right?

there is great possibilities for that day
quite possibly one of the best
or one of the worst days of my life
we have yet to find out

i'm just not going to think about it.
but. what if...
i wouldn't know what to do.
or how to respond.
i thought we've been through this already
i thought there's already been so much pain.
i didn't know more was possible.

but what if the news is good.
i haven't prepared myself for that.
i might not know how to respond to that either.
don't get me wrong.
it'd be the best day of my life.

undoubtably there will be tears either way.
God help me.

Good Tidings Mr. Wentworth

So today I'm watching Prison Break season tres... the whole thing, hah. Now, it's no secret that I find Michael Scofield rather attractive. And I was going to set my status on facebook to something like "Ashley has a wicked crush on Michael Scofield" or "Ashley will undoubtably marry Michael Scofield someday" You know... something to that effect.

This was going to take place until I realized something... The difference between girls and guys. In my opinion, it is "socially acceptable" for girls to say "I have a crush on so and so" or "Isn't so and so hot?" But if a guy says something of the sort, the girls just think he's shallow. Because guys are just visually stimulated, right? That's why we think that... but what else are girls stimulated by when we say we're crushing on some famous person? Is it not just their looks? Lets be seroius, Michael Scofield seems like a good guy, but it's not like we've hung out a whole lot, ya know.

So with this all in mind, my status never said anything of the sort. Because if I saw a guys' status say something of the sort, I would probably lose a little respect... maybe just for a day or two, but nonetheless... So if it's not okay for a guy, why should it be okay for a girl?

So I decided to change that part of my life and not speak of guys in that way. Because let's be serious, God made some pretty attractive ones, but lets not idolize, not matter how small the idolization is.

...a dork, or so to speak.

During practice for AT I have been doing sudoku's to pass the time. However, today I did not have my book with me, so I decided to do something that puts me in the "pencil-neck geek" catergory I think. I made sudoku's. I actually thought it was going to be a lot harder than it actually was. It wasn't hard at all... I tried several different ways of doing it... Like doing the numbers box by box or row by row or just filling in all the 1's then 2's etc. Never try it without an eraser by hand though... I mean, if you ever do it, because by the last box/row/number, you'll have to shift some things around... hah.

...bonfires...

I think that fire will forever make me happy... Tonight we had a very large fire at Joes house and burnt many things that probably should never have been burned. It was amazing. It smelled so bad. Fire is so great.

And that is all I have to say about that.

the walls, sweet walls

So I was a little nervous about living in an apartment due to walls which I thought would be thin and sound would travel oh so sweetly right on through them. But what I've found out today is that my music can be to the volume of my liking, and as I step outside my room, nothing can be heard... and if that isn't the sweetest thing I've ever heard, I don't know what is.

Oh, and once upon a time, a girl liked a boy.

the little thing known as life

Sometimes I forget that 9 months out of the year I have no life... and by that I mean I have too much of a life for anything else (like sleeping). Currently I'm at school 11 hours a day and then I go home to sleep, wake up, and do it all over again.

I thought I was busy last year, but this year I have...

• Classes / Homework
• Athletic Training Hours
• Job
• Youth Group
• Bible Study
• CRU Planning Comity
• Church / College Night

and then maybe I'll get to hang out with friends for an hour per week, maybe.

But what I realized today while at youth group, was that in the past I have always felt that i 'had no life' because I was so busy with everything and got no time to rest... but what I realized tonight was that this is the best life could be. Investing in kids' lives is so rewarding... studying God's Word is the best thing I could be doing with my life... planning things to draw people into God's family is way better than sleeping. Church... my family and friends who build me up and take care of me when needed - this is crucial. So where in the past I've thought of them all as just another thing to keep me way too busy, I now see as true life... these are the things that make life worth living...

yet another place to call home

819 5th Ave. S. Apt. #304
St. Cloud, MN 56301


I am posting this only so I will have it once I get back to camp. Because something tells me if I write it on a piece of paper that paper will not end of going to camp with me. This is a fail-safe way of doing it.

The Art of Eating Watermelon: An Inside Look

A couple weeks ago out at camp it was brought to my attention that people would be consuming 1/2 a watermelon in a contest format. I thought to myself, "NBD, that sounds easy." Come the night of the contest, the format had changed a bit -- it was no longer 1/2 a watermelon that each person had to consume, but now it was the entire watermelon. Being as I know many random facts, I knew that watermelon was 98% water. This was an encouragement to me. I thought that meant it would be easy.

Here's the thing I didn't take into consideration: water is very filling, and is capable of making one feel bloated very quickly. The pain. The physical pain. It was so intense. My stomach has never screamed at me as it did that night.

Thoughts on 1st half of the watermelon: "This is no big deal, it should be easy"
Thoughts on 2nd half of the watermelon: "Please, anything but this"


First Place: Guy - 21 minutes 45 seconds.
Second Place: Steve - 36 minutes 36 seconds
Third Place: Josh - 41 minutes 07 seconds
Fourth Place: Ashley - 61 minutes 24 seconds
Fifth Place: Cassie - Threw up at 42 minutes 53 seconds, finished 51 minutes 48 seconds


One thing that I think needs to be added is how watermelon, when consumed at that quantity, clears out a system. Almost instantaneously after I was finished eating it, I was in the bathroom and it was all coming out... and it kept coming for quite some time. But I think that's all I have to say about that.

once again it's all brand new

Camp starts on Saturday... and I think I'm a lot less thrilled about it this summer than all the past summers. But then again to think about it last summer was probably the least thrilled I could ever get, and being as I'm nowhere near the point in life where I was last year (all glory be), I guess I am semi-excited at least. I put my super-hero costume on today to make sure I had everything I needed, and I looked amazing, if I might say so.

I'm actually just incredibly tired because I stayed up talking to Craig for a long time. And since I'm not making any sense to myself, I'm really not sure why I'm attempting to write anything on here. So I probably am excited about camp, I'm just too tired to know it.

On a different note, I am going to the doctor on Thursday (hopefully) for the first time since January -- I think this is a record amount of time that I have spent away from the doctor. So to be honest I'm pretty anxious about it. Not in a bad way, just in a curious way. Because I've pretty much stopped letting people know that I am a sickly person and just fronted being a normal, healthy human being (harder than it sounds a lot of the time) -- and consequently this past semester has been an amazing one.

There is a possibility that I won't be able to go to the appointment due to my labs not getting processed in time (because my new doctors office is insanely slow with everything), in which case I probably wouldn't go until the end of the summer (which is not advisable in any sense of the word).

But Matthew also goes in for a docs appt. on Thursday and I'm way more anxious about his results... and this one is anxious in the bad way I do believe. But hey, I know it's all in God's hands. Anxious or not, the results will be the same, and God's will will be done.

a measly fortnight

It has officially been two weeks since my last post on here, and I find that entirely unacceptable. Since that time I have transitioned from St. Cloud back home into a bedroom that doesn't feel like mine.

I love the fact that I live with Matty because I never have to find anything to do, he just plans out my life for me... accept for tonight when he was gone and I was completely at a loss as to what to do.

This weekend we're going on our 2nd annual camping trip to the north shore which I am completely excited for. I think I'm getting excited for camp now too, but the jury is still out on that one.

I took a nap earlier, and by that I mean I passed out for three hours due to an unusual level of tiredness... so I cannot bring myself to go to sleep just yet, but at the same time have to get up bright and early to get on my way for the camping trip. Such a battle.

let it not be mine

Lately I have been thinking of plans for me life... I rarely plan my days out more than one or two days ahead of the here and now, and yet lately it has been in the far future that my plans have been made. I realize, however, that all of these plans are very tenative, as I don't know what God has in store for me in the future... so I need to keep my options open, but also knowing that none of my options might come to be.

So first of all I was thinking about a summer project next summer to Colorado, which I'm not gonna lie I was pretty stoked about, so the jury was still out on if that was my idea I put into my head or God's. Then today I was talking with Jeff and found out he is officially the new youth pastor at Westwood... meaning I can start helping out with the youth group. Not that I couldn't before, but since he was just the interm, I didn't want to only help for a short-while. But I can't know about that until I find out about my schedule in the fall for AT. Also, I don't know if God has me working with the youth group at Westwood, or Awana at Calvary... because that is an option too. And if I work with the youth group at Westwood... it is very likely that we'll be taking a missions trip to India "the untouchables" next summer, in which case I wouldn't be doing the whole summer project thing.

So all this to say, I have a lot to pray about, and a lot of clarity yet to come-- but at the same time I know that I have a lot time to decide about it. But I can't express how much I would love to work along side Jeff with the youth group.... so I can only hope and pray that my AT hours work with the schedule. Which I will be doing... praying, that is.


God, I just ask that you would give me clarity as to what you have in store for me. I want your will to be done in my life, not my own. I ask that you would strip me of my will so that I would not confuse it with yours. It's time for bed.

my friend job

Yesturday I finished up the Timothy's and today I headed into Job. The first chapter of Job is the most known and talked about... sometimes I question if anybody actually reads the rest of Job. I know I've read it a few times, but this time I'm going to take my time and really try to understand where he is coming from and what's actually taking place in the conversations that Job is having in the last 26 chapters of the book.

Now when people speak of Job, I'd probably say the most common reference from his book (and by "his book" I mean the book written about him, because as I learned this morning, he did not actually write the book) is Job 1:20-21 where it states,
"20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. 21 And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."
Usually you hear this passage right before singing Blessed Be the Name of the Lord... and don't get me wrong, I think it is a very powerful passage, but praising God in hard times has never come that difficult to me -- Maybe it's because I started dealing with some pretty tough stuff at a pretty young age that I didn't know to do any different, who knows. But the passage in Job that speaks volums to me is Job 1:7&8
"The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” 8 And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?”
What an honor! The God of the entire universe says that there is no one like him in all the earth. If that's not what we should be striving for, I don't know what is. God practically tells satan to tempt Job because God is sure that Job will not budge. That never ceases to amaze me. Ever. That is my prayer... that God would look on me and call me blameless and upright... and that He would be sure that I will not waiver under temptation. I think temptation is the wrong word... I'm not sure what word to use though. Test, maybe test would be a better word. Because satan is testing his trust and faith in God.

all glory be to the lamb who was slain.

the cell which is commonly freed

I have realized that my time-waster of choice is freecell. If ever I want to put off studying or sleep or really anything, I play freecell. I used to look at the game and think it couldn't be done, but now I get the job done pretty much every time. It is possible to win every time, you just have to want it.

Also, the appartment complex across the way from my house must be jacked up. Because police are always there. And it's not the "let's hang out while we're on our shift" type of always there. But about this time, usually anywhere from midnight to three in the morning there comes a police with it's lights on tearing into the place. This happens at least a couple times a week, and at least a couple times a month, if not more, there are like five or six cop cars congragated over there... flashing lights and blocking the road, and the whole deal. I enjoy it quite thoroughly, actually. It is quite entertaining. But I always wonder why. And I know they expect it, because I'd say 5 out of 7 nights a week there is a cop stationed right outside my house, in perfect view of my bedroom window... so I usually go to sleep to flashing blue and red lights. I've actually highly considered going out and asking them, but I figure that's just weird.

"love what you do and do what you love"

That quote is kind of redundant if you ask me. If are doing what you love, then obviously you should love doing it. But I guess that isn't always the case...

Now I would say that it's safe to say that I enjoy learning... just usually not in a school context. The forceful learning just takes the fun and mystery out of it for me, I guess. But tonight as I was studying for my Evaluation of Athletic Injuries of the Lower Extremities class, specifically learning about the hip and thigh tonight, I realized that it wasn't a drag. And even though I have a test tomorrow and I need to learn oodles of information, I like it. I enjoy learning the information, even when it comes down to crunch time. And I enjoy the fact that I love what I'm learning.



Oh, and if possible, or even remotely plausible, I would choose to chizzle away the muscles in my back... because I am sure that it would feel better than it does right now.

A New Day

So the other day I was thinking back on my life and decided that Aug. 22, 2007 was the worst day of my life. It's the day I found out matt had cancer. I have never cried harder. I was just thinking about that. I've been thinking about the past a lot this semester. Not in a bad way, but with new eyes... with new insight. Reflecting on where I have been, and where I am currently, and how I have changed. I feel like I am night and day from a year ago today even. It blows my mind sometimes when I think about it. Sometimes there are earthly desires to go back to where I was, but those are always fleeting desires.

Then to think back to last semester and how I am night and day even from then.... only in an entirely different sense. Last semester I was so close to dropping out of school and checking into the hospital perminantely... and this semester I feel as healthly as I ever have. It's very strange, for sure. To be honest, I don't ever remember being this healthy... I say that knowing that I am not, but still feeling like I am. And I'm not sure if that season of my life has past completely or I am just on a little vacation from all of my sickness. I mean, there may be a reason that I haven't found out the results of the uptake that I took in Febraury -- I mean, it's a good way to make me not worry about it.

Last night in Bible study we looked at the last half of Ephesians 2, the part that stuck out to me particularly was:

12 remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. 13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. 14 For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility 15 by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, 16 and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility.

I liked that Paul was reminding them to remember where they had come from-- because then we can so much more appreciate where we are at now. He was specifically referring to before and after salvation... but I just applied it to all aspects of my life. So many times we forget where we came from and thus are not thankful enough for where we are at currently. So many times I go through my days not thankful for my health because I forget how sickly I was last semester. But those time when I do remember- they are so sweet... and all glory is given to my God.


Today I'm tired... $5 Prom is tonight, so that should be some crazy fun.

little is much

Sometimes I feel like God forgets that He has the power to perform miracles... because when it comes down to it, I don't understand why He doesn't sometimes. But that is also the beauty of not being God and not seeing the whole picture. Sometimes I wish I could see the whole picture... but that eliminates the growing period I guess, which is usually pretty crucial. I may never understand death though... or sickness. I have experienced a lot of sickness in my life, and I'm okay with it... rarely do I understand it at the time, and usually it sucks pretty bad, but I'm always, for some reason, okay with it. Maybe that's because I've accepted it as part of my life, like I have realized that sickness will always be apart of me.

But I can never quite accept it being apart of someone else. It is a whole different picture... specially when death awaits at the end of the sickness... I'm not okay with that. And I feel like the people I know who this has happened to would be the last people on this plante who deserved it, if we were speaking in those terms. People who have done with work of the Lord their entire lives.

I've been praying for Jane alot these days... and the song "Everything Glorious" by David Crowder has come to mind alot as well. It is the song that got me through my hell semester... and she will be made glorious. Today when I was praying for her was when I just thought that God had to forget he could save her... because I have no other explination why He hasn't. And I realize that that is completely naive of me, but it's what my heart feels, though I know it isn't truth. The mayo clinic says that they've never seen anyone degrade as fast as she has-- in a way I take comfort in that, knowing that the suffering time will decrease as well-- but in a way I think it means that I don't know if God is going to heal her. I mean... she deserves to be in His presence... how amazing. But how hard for everyone back here.


My Jesus, you make everything glorious.

the great escape

note to self: look up artist Phil Wickham – supposively really good, and sounds like Shawn Mcdonald.

--written thurs night-- but no internet because our internet sucks --
So tonight a group came to Cru that was called “the traveling team’’ or something to that effect. They came and shared about “missions” although I don’t want to use that word. Because the word missions has so many connotations to it. And they took all of the connotations of missions and smashed them to pieces, basically. It was good, real good. If it was on tape (and by that I mean cd) I would have purchased it, for sure. They just basically talked about how people say that they haven’t heard a call from Jesus, when they are missing that it is a command – to bare witness to Christ. So I didn’t really read into it at all besides the fact that I thought it was really good and I really liked the scripture they used. It didn’t seem like God was talking to me specifically through it, but it was great nonetheless.

They afterwards at Calvary I got to talking with Erica Pridey, whom I haven’t talked to this whole year pretty much. And we got to talking about project… not in any way that she brought it up and was pressing it upon me at all – but she got to talking about her job this summer at a church out in CO. And I got to asking about the project that goes on out there every other summer. It is childcare during the day, and witnessing during the nights… so it’s what I love during the day, and what I need during the nights. And it’s Colorado… can you say adventure? Now I’ve always had a huge blockade in my mind towards project… and mostly because my heart is at camp. But that’s where MY heart is… and maybe not where God’s heart is for me anymore. And I don’t want to say anymore like it won’t ever be again – like I know this summer I will still be at camp and God will still use me there. But at the same time, specially after talking with Adam Roub about going on a project then coming back to camp with so much more knowledge. I want that knowledge that you could only get on project, and as much as I don’t want to admit it and I say it’s not, camp is my safe haven. Yes it is challenging, but it’s safe. It’s what I know.

It’s not a done-deal, but it’s something that I will be prayerfully considering. I also think it’s a good thing that I’m going into the summer thinking about it, so I don’t go about the summer acting like I’ll just be there next year, because I think that I have taken things for granted when I do that, because every year, I am with a good amount of certainty that I will be there the following year. But if I go into the summer and looking at it that I won’t be there the next, I will do everything with so much more passion I think. At least that will be my prayer.
So God right now I ask that you would guide me. I ask that you would show me Your will, and that my ideas, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, would not be effected in this decision… that I would be completely relying on you to decide my next summer. I realize that it is still a ways away and I need to be focusing on the here and now, but this would be a big step for me. Help me to lay down my desires and seek yours. But I ask that yours would be made clear to me. I ask that you would put Godly people in my life or use ones already in my life to make the decision clear to me.

the apple

i guess today i'm seeing things differently. she was only trying to protect herself... i do the exact same thing. we has humans protect ourselves. if a situation is causing us pain and doesn't appear to change, we get out. it's instinct. i can't hold that against her. i now have to get over 15 years of resenting her... which will undoubtably be a challenge. but i like challenges, right? like the challenge of getting to my next class in five minutes, hah. hopefully i'll get to know her and maybe ever bridge the gap of our family again (HIGHLY unlikely, but remember how i like challenges?) No, my only goal in this situation is to maybe get to know my long-lost grandmother and show her the love of Christ, as I know she needs it so desperately.

"I guess I took the easy way out"

bev laskowski said this to me. i have been resenting her lately. i shot her a letter and she responded real quick-- and i guess i didn't like her response. i've been dealing with that a lot i guess.

here and gone

Sometimes I write entire posts and then realize they were completely pointless and the only real reason that I have written them is because I cannot find anything else to do... so then I delete them due to the fact they are full of gibberish.