Tonight the seminar was all about catastrophies with athletes and how to deal with them... and along with that we talked a lot about death in athletics... Going into the seminar I didn't even consider that it would effect me how it did. For a lot of it I could concentrate on nothing but thoughts of Brian.... and how it is still almost surreal to me. Then I realized it's only been 3.5 months-- that's not a lot period of time. They talked about how most people don't deal with death right away but it takes most people a little while to actually grasp onto the fact... but I replay that night over and over in my head.... I was driving home from school and for some reason, still completely unknown to me, God put Brian on my heart to pray for him and his family.... and I was passing through Becker when my mom for some reason called, I cannot remember why... I remember her words so vividly... the sound, how she said it..... "ashley, brian died this morining..." I instantly felt more anger than I've ever felt. I almost instantly also burst into tears, and hung up the phone without saying a word... the second the phone closed I sobbed for the remainder of the trip home. My first thought was, 'it's my fault' --I'm not sure how it could have been my fault-- I thought that because I hadn't prayed for him the past couple days... that for some reason those few prayers that I missed were God's reason for allowing him to die... that if I had just remembered to pray for him constantly, that God would have spared his life. But the guilt that I felt-- and why? Am I so prideful to think that it was my lack of prayer that allowed him to die? ...but I think it was less pride and more pain... trying to reason and understand his death, needing to put blame somewhere, and knowing it should never be placed on God.
On the way home that night my tears nearly blinded me, but I wouldn't stop driving... I almost wanted to crash so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. I still keep the bulletin from the funeral right by my bed with my bible.
I guess all this to say that I did experience immediate horrific pain... but then I think I tried to shove it away... pretend that I'm up at school and because I wouldn't see him everyday up here that life still went on as usual back home. But that seminar was really hard for me.
tonight i cry... tonight i continue to mourn... whatever mourn means. i miss him. i wish when i go home i can see him... i wish when i see his family everything can be okay... i wish that its not different... but how can i be so selfish? how can i wish he was back here? how can i wish him away from his perfect body? how can i wish him away from true and complete communion with God? ...he doesn't suffer anymore. no more treatments. no more pain. no more worries. i need to find my joy in that.
i just needed to get all my emotions out tonight-- i don't think i've ever expressed how this has made me feel... this is just a glimpse.
"i come to you in pieces, so you can make me whole..."