Wednesday, April 30, 2008

my friend job

Yesturday I finished up the Timothy's and today I headed into Job. The first chapter of Job is the most known and talked about... sometimes I question if anybody actually reads the rest of Job. I know I've read it a few times, but this time I'm going to take my time and really try to understand where he is coming from and what's actually taking place in the conversations that Job is having in the last 26 chapters of the book.

Now when people speak of Job, I'd probably say the most common reference from his book (and by "his book" I mean the book written about him, because as I learned this morning, he did not actually write the book) is Job 1:20-21 where it states,
"20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. 21 And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."
Usually you hear this passage right before singing Blessed Be the Name of the Lord... and don't get me wrong, I think it is a very powerful passage, but praising God in hard times has never come that difficult to me -- Maybe it's because I started dealing with some pretty tough stuff at a pretty young age that I didn't know to do any different, who knows. But the passage in Job that speaks volums to me is Job 1:7&8
"The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” 8 And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?”
What an honor! The God of the entire universe says that there is no one like him in all the earth. If that's not what we should be striving for, I don't know what is. God practically tells satan to tempt Job because God is sure that Job will not budge. That never ceases to amaze me. Ever. That is my prayer... that God would look on me and call me blameless and upright... and that He would be sure that I will not waiver under temptation. I think temptation is the wrong word... I'm not sure what word to use though. Test, maybe test would be a better word. Because satan is testing his trust and faith in God.

all glory be to the lamb who was slain.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

the cell which is commonly freed

I have realized that my time-waster of choice is freecell. If ever I want to put off studying or sleep or really anything, I play freecell. I used to look at the game and think it couldn't be done, but now I get the job done pretty much every time. It is possible to win every time, you just have to want it.

Also, the appartment complex across the way from my house must be jacked up. Because police are always there. And it's not the "let's hang out while we're on our shift" type of always there. But about this time, usually anywhere from midnight to three in the morning there comes a police with it's lights on tearing into the place. This happens at least a couple times a week, and at least a couple times a month, if not more, there are like five or six cop cars congragated over there... flashing lights and blocking the road, and the whole deal. I enjoy it quite thoroughly, actually. It is quite entertaining. But I always wonder why. And I know they expect it, because I'd say 5 out of 7 nights a week there is a cop stationed right outside my house, in perfect view of my bedroom window... so I usually go to sleep to flashing blue and red lights. I've actually highly considered going out and asking them, but I figure that's just weird.

Monday, April 21, 2008

"love what you do and do what you love"

That quote is kind of redundant if you ask me. If are doing what you love, then obviously you should love doing it. But I guess that isn't always the case...

Now I would say that it's safe to say that I enjoy learning... just usually not in a school context. The forceful learning just takes the fun and mystery out of it for me, I guess. But tonight as I was studying for my Evaluation of Athletic Injuries of the Lower Extremities class, specifically learning about the hip and thigh tonight, I realized that it wasn't a drag. And even though I have a test tomorrow and I need to learn oodles of information, I like it. I enjoy learning the information, even when it comes down to crunch time. And I enjoy the fact that I love what I'm learning.

Oh, and if possible, or even remotely plausible, I would choose to chizzle away the muscles in my back... because I am sure that it would feel better than it does right now.

Friday, April 18, 2008

A New Day

So the other day I was thinking back on my life and decided that Aug. 22, 2007 was the worst day of my life. It's the day I found out matt had cancer. I have never cried harder. I was just thinking about that. I've been thinking about the past a lot this semester. Not in a bad way, but with new eyes... with new insight. Reflecting on where I have been, and where I am currently, and how I have changed. I feel like I am night and day from a year ago today even. It blows my mind sometimes when I think about it. Sometimes there are earthly desires to go back to where I was, but those are always fleeting desires.

Then to think back to last semester and how I am night and day even from then.... only in an entirely different sense. Last semester I was so close to dropping out of school and checking into the hospital perminantely... and this semester I feel as healthly as I ever have. It's very strange, for sure. To be honest, I don't ever remember being this healthy... I say that knowing that I am not, but still feeling like I am. And I'm not sure if that season of my life has past completely or I am just on a little vacation from all of my sickness. I mean, there may be a reason that I haven't found out the results of the uptake that I took in Febraury -- I mean, it's a good way to make me not worry about it.

Last night in Bible study we looked at the last half of Ephesians 2, the part that stuck out to me particularly was:

12 remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. 13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. 14 For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility 15 by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, 16 and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility.

I liked that Paul was reminding them to remember where they had come from-- because then we can so much more appreciate where we are at now. He was specifically referring to before and after salvation... but I just applied it to all aspects of my life. So many times we forget where we came from and thus are not thankful enough for where we are at currently. So many times I go through my days not thankful for my health because I forget how sickly I was last semester. But those time when I do remember- they are so sweet... and all glory is given to my God.

Today I'm tired... $5 Prom is tonight, so that should be some crazy fun.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

little is much

Sometimes I feel like God forgets that He has the power to perform miracles... because when it comes down to it, I don't understand why He doesn't sometimes. But that is also the beauty of not being God and not seeing the whole picture. Sometimes I wish I could see the whole picture... but that eliminates the growing period I guess, which is usually pretty crucial. I may never understand death though... or sickness. I have experienced a lot of sickness in my life, and I'm okay with it... rarely do I understand it at the time, and usually it sucks pretty bad, but I'm always, for some reason, okay with it. Maybe that's because I've accepted it as part of my life, like I have realized that sickness will always be apart of me.

But I can never quite accept it being apart of someone else. It is a whole different picture... specially when death awaits at the end of the sickness... I'm not okay with that. And I feel like the people I know who this has happened to would be the last people on this plante who deserved it, if we were speaking in those terms. People who have done with work of the Lord their entire lives.

I've been praying for Jane alot these days... and the song "Everything Glorious" by David Crowder has come to mind alot as well. It is the song that got me through my hell semester... and she will be made glorious. Today when I was praying for her was when I just thought that God had to forget he could save her... because I have no other explination why He hasn't. And I realize that that is completely naive of me, but it's what my heart feels, though I know it isn't truth. The mayo clinic says that they've never seen anyone degrade as fast as she has-- in a way I take comfort in that, knowing that the suffering time will decrease as well-- but in a way I think it means that I don't know if God is going to heal her. I mean... she deserves to be in His presence... how amazing. But how hard for everyone back here.

My Jesus, you make everything glorious.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

the great escape

note to self: look up artist Phil Wickham – supposively really good, and sounds like Shawn Mcdonald.

--written thurs night-- but no internet because our internet sucks --
So tonight a group came to Cru that was called “the traveling team’’ or something to that effect. They came and shared about “missions” although I don’t want to use that word. Because the word missions has so many connotations to it. And they took all of the connotations of missions and smashed them to pieces, basically. It was good, real good. If it was on tape (and by that I mean cd) I would have purchased it, for sure. They just basically talked about how people say that they haven’t heard a call from Jesus, when they are missing that it is a command – to bare witness to Christ. So I didn’t really read into it at all besides the fact that I thought it was really good and I really liked the scripture they used. It didn’t seem like God was talking to me specifically through it, but it was great nonetheless.

They afterwards at Calvary I got to talking with Erica Pridey, whom I haven’t talked to this whole year pretty much. And we got to talking about project… not in any way that she brought it up and was pressing it upon me at all – but she got to talking about her job this summer at a church out in CO. And I got to asking about the project that goes on out there every other summer. It is childcare during the day, and witnessing during the nights… so it’s what I love during the day, and what I need during the nights. And it’s Colorado… can you say adventure? Now I’ve always had a huge blockade in my mind towards project… and mostly because my heart is at camp. But that’s where MY heart is… and maybe not where God’s heart is for me anymore. And I don’t want to say anymore like it won’t ever be again – like I know this summer I will still be at camp and God will still use me there. But at the same time, specially after talking with Adam Roub about going on a project then coming back to camp with so much more knowledge. I want that knowledge that you could only get on project, and as much as I don’t want to admit it and I say it’s not, camp is my safe haven. Yes it is challenging, but it’s safe. It’s what I know.

It’s not a done-deal, but it’s something that I will be prayerfully considering. I also think it’s a good thing that I’m going into the summer thinking about it, so I don’t go about the summer acting like I’ll just be there next year, because I think that I have taken things for granted when I do that, because every year, I am with a good amount of certainty that I will be there the following year. But if I go into the summer and looking at it that I won’t be there the next, I will do everything with so much more passion I think. At least that will be my prayer.
So God right now I ask that you would guide me. I ask that you would show me Your will, and that my ideas, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, would not be effected in this decision… that I would be completely relying on you to decide my next summer. I realize that it is still a ways away and I need to be focusing on the here and now, but this would be a big step for me. Help me to lay down my desires and seek yours. But I ask that yours would be made clear to me. I ask that you would put Godly people in my life or use ones already in my life to make the decision clear to me.