Sunday, August 09, 2009

my room has never been messier than it is right now.

and it all started by me being too lazy to put away my laundry one night.

then turned into bills i could not put away because i didn't want to pay them.

then various letters from doctors and attorneys i didn't think i should throw away but haven't "put" them away yet.

then i'm not sure where the dishes came from... i'm never at home to eat, so they must not be mine...

all that to say, school as started, once again, and my life as i know it has ended. i like it better this way though. i love not having to deal with life. school all day every day and now i go to work all night... makes life so much easier to deal with. or, not deal with. one of the two. either way, as much as it seems i hate that i'm so busy due to school, there is a lot in me that loves it... i wouldn't be doing it if i didn't.

last note: i'm watching The Rock. i have not watched it in a long time.
side note to the last night: nicholas cage is really not a stellar actor... and on the flip side, sean connor is pretty much da bomb when it comes to acting.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

I can watch this over and over.

1. I love piano music.
2. this man is phenominal at the piano
3. it's unique.
4. I like it.

Monday, June 15, 2009


a definition of clumsy i found was unhandy. i like that. describes me today. everything that entered my hands today, also was on the floor at some point or another. including my food. all over the breakroom floor. it was great. i'm not sure what my deal was. but everyone at work knew it. how could they not? things falling everywhere. i guess it makes sense that they were concerned when i was climbing to the top shelves to do inventory. i'm a climber, what can i say... i like to climb. so naturally i would do all those top shelves without the ladder. it was easier to just climb, what can i say.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

my bff

i have seen matt like every weekend for the past over a month
it has been wonderful.
being as he is jobless, and i only have weekends free...
it works out.
he's been here since saturday, and just hasn't left it.
oh, and we bought a dartboard.
i think it was about time.
it's been fun.
real fun.
i like him, i think it's safe to say... i'll keep him around.
end of story.

i wouldn't want to do anything else on my weekends.
so it works out.
makes me smile.

work is life

i don't do much besides work. kind of like during school, i don't do much besides school. but like school, i enjoy work. and for that, i feel entirely blessed. blessed beyond measure, as my dad would say.

i have a great work ethic. i work hard, give it my all, take the initiative, find the quickest way to do things, i'm efficient, and i do it all with a smile. i say these things not to brag, but to thank my dad for paving the way for me. it's one of those things you can't just teach your kids. you need to show by example.

and tonight what i realized, is my work ethic is paying off. not that i need to get noticed, or that i'm only doing my best so that i can be rewarded, because i should give it my all even if no one knew it... but we are always running out of parts. this is a bad thing, as when we run out of parts, we can no longer make part kits, which is my primary job. but this never happened before i started working there... and they started to realize that we are pushing out way more product now than ever before. so in that sense, it's a good thing that we're running out of product... because it means we are making more product faster than ever before. so being as i can't be doing what i usually do (due to lack of parts), i am moving up in the world. taking over new jobs and responsibilities. two new guys are starting this week and i was told that i will be helping to train them in, and was also told that now i am second in command in my area. so whenever 1st in command is gone, i am in charge.

stan is 1st in command in my department. he's a bit creepy and weird, but overall i guess he's a good guy. he's always tells me how amazed he is how quick i pick things up. i don't think that's something i could have learned, i just pick things up quickly, which has helped out a lot in this job. he's also very impressed at how much i love learning how to do new things and i do it willingly. now, honestly, one of the reasons i love learning new things is because i don't exactly enjoy making part kits. but he said that most people are a drag to teach new things... but he enjoys teaching me because i enjoy it and learn quick. he's said multiple times that he's concerned that they won't need him around anymore because i am learning everything he even knows how to do... he's never really serious, about the concerned part, but nontheless, it's nice to hear.

i feel like i'm gloating a lot in this post. but none of it is meant to be boastful. more of, i'm just joyful that the job is working out so well. and that i love it. and that my hard work is paying off.

also, i love being one of the only women working there... there is only one other woman. she is actually bisexual. i think she is the first openly bisexual person i have been friends with. she is pretty tight. i'm glad i know her, because i think even though i try extremely hard not to stereotype people, it's hard not to at least a little bit unless you know someone like that. because they really are just normal people. anyways... i love working with all guys. being one of the only girls, the guys treat you different. in a good way. i definately got closer to everyone a lot quicker because i am a woman. i realized this when a new guy started working and it was a lot different with him. eveyone jokes around with me a lot more, and everyone is always looking out for me. i think in the past i would not have liked that... i would have wanted them to see me as tough and that i can handle things on my own... but i enjoy that they look out for me. makes me feel special. makes me feel more like a woman, which is nice... being as i have had the 'tomboy' mentality growing up.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

honky tonk budonky donk

So I think it was Tuesday night that after work we all went out to Rollies... I'm not sure how else to describe it but a honky tonk bar. It's like one that's straight out of the heart of cowboy country Texas... with the mechanical bull to ride and the huge dance floor, country music blaring, and as many peanuts you could ever hope or dream for and you can throw the all on the floor (which by the way polishes the floor, if you didn't know). Anyways, it was a good time, it was Casey's birthday, one of the guys who I work with, so we celebrated that. I also learned some new dance moves, which I'm sure my dad would be proud of. Learned the 1/2 step, which I was not good at, and also the 2 step and 3 step. 3 step was by far the easiest for me to get down, but the 2 wasn't bad I guess...

I like it there. The owner is always there and if you've been there before, he'll know you... it's a really fun atmosphere. This cowboy hick country thing will probably end up growing on me, cuz that's who I work with. Everyone is pretty much a hick and loves to fish and hunt and listen to country music. At night the country music is blared from every work station... sometimes I even think it's loud, which is definately saying something.

Also, over 75% of the guys I work with are veterans... most of whom have done at least one tour in Iraq. And around 50% of them were discharged due to they were shot or got blown up in a car bomb in Iraq... I think it's a privilage to work beside them, I hold veterans in the highest respect. One thing no one really knows about me is that being in the military was my dream growing up. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to go into the militar and go fight in a war, on the front lines, where the action is... I never really told anyone that though, I don't even think my parents, because I knew that in order to go to war I'd have to go through basic training which I wouldn't be able to do with my lack of being able to breathe. They probably wouldn't have accepted me anyways because of the breathing thing... I think that's one of the reasons why I hold them in such high respect... I wish I could be there. I think I still would go over there if I had the capability to.

Anyways, as each day goes on, I enjoy working at DPMS more and more.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

"I work at DPMS Panther Arms, I make guns" (long pause) "Are you a terrorist?"

So being as I've had a new job for over a week now, I figured I can write about it. Probably the coolest thing about the job is I get to say, "I work at Panther Arms... I make guns." Now these aren't just any old guns we make, we make assult rifles. There are primarily two main things we do in the factory: 1. Make rifles and 2. Package pistol kits. Apparently a lot of guys think its cool to make their own gun, so we make different kits that you can buy to put the gun together yourself.

I work in the parts section. One thing we do is put those part kits together - that's probably the majority of what we do, we are able to make around 700 per day if we have all the parts to make them. We also are the ones who have all the parts and keep everything organized and such, so when build up (the section that physically makes the whole rifles we sell) needs their parts, they come to us. Then there is also shipping and receiving, and their job is self explanitory. So there are three main sections to the warehouse.

It's an extremely monotanous job, but isn't that bad. I learned how to do the job in the first 10 minutes of working there, however it does change up a little bit sometimes. So that aspect of the job kind of sucks that I am doing the exact same thing, two different processes, one that takes about 45 seconds, and the other about a minute... But I can listen to my ipod, so that makes it more bareable.

I work the 1-10pm shift, which I am starting to like. At first I hated it because it takes over your whole day, so you don't really get a morning or night, and that still sucks, but I enjoy who I work with. And my shift is broken up a bit, too which is nice. When I come in, it's crazy hectic, as there are three shifts worth of people there (7-330 and 9-5). So at 330, most of the people who work around parts leave, because the other parts shift overlaps with ours. So it's nice when it dies down and there are fewer people. Then at 5 is when the party starts... all the management leaves at 5, so after that it's a much more relaxed environment. They leave and a flip switches, it's great.

It's an extremely fun environment to work in. I work with all guys except one other girl, and they know how to have fun. They are sarcastic, they know how to prank, and have a good time. Also, everyone listens to music. Most people have an ipod at least some of the time, specially for the first part of the shift, but then there are always radios on too. Every station has their own radio, usually to all different stations, and let me tell you, everyone sings! These are not the people who would make it on American Idol, either. It's great... the music is constantly blaring and everyone is singing.

So, I guess the first week or so has gone well. The guys invited me out last night after work and officially initiated me into their group, persay. It was a great time.

Monday, May 11, 2009

strange & beautiful: random adventures

So this weekend I went home to hang out with Matt. On Saturday we did normal hang-out things like sat around and talked, played some ultimate frisbee (where i learned for ceratin that the meds from mayo are doing nothing to benefit my well-being), ate at his favorite acapulco, and then were on our way to red-box where we were going to rent a movie. It's at this time that Matt says something to the effect of, "I wonder how late the bar olympics goes" Now, Hannah was going to come home with me and hang out with us, but stayed in Upsala to hang out with her sis who was in town... and the bar olympics just so happened to be going on as well. Matt then mentions that Hannah had said something to the effect that cuz she couldn't come home with me, that we should go to her... As we were sitting in the car outside the red-box place, we had a short discussion that ended in us driving up to Upsala. At this point in the night it was about 9pm. The pursuasion was the fact that Matt said I always go on adventures with other people, but never him. So Saturday night, we went on an adventure.

On the way up, we went 94, on the way home we went 10. I've always wondered which one is faster. 94 is longer milage-wise, but faster speed. They were definately the EXACT same time. Both within 5 minutes of each other, 1.5 hours. Both ways. Exactly. It amazed me.

So we got up there around 11 only to find no Hannah. The whole, lets just surprise her, didn't work out so well, ha. So we head on over to the Ripplingers, obviously, the only logical thing to do... Krystal and Shawn were watching a movie -- well, they tried to, but we stopped that for quite some time. So we hung out there for awhile until we found Hannah. So we let them finish their movie and we went to get Hannah. First we went to the bar, which wasn't too hoppin, cuz apparently the bar olympics happen during the day... who would have thunk? We hung out there for a couple hours just having a good time... had some pretty good concoctions, I must say. Most of the shots I'd never had before, and were pretty... well, fruity. But overall pretty good, and free, which is always a bonus.

The next stop was back to her house where we filled the kitchen and ourselves with some glittery stuff that was supposed to be for her mom for mothers day I think... but we had fun getting everyone full of it. I'm not sure what else we did. Just sat around and hung out. Laughed a lot. Tickled Matt. He's way ticklish... Hannah liked that trick I showed her, ha. Overall, just had a great time. Haven't laughed that hard in awhile... there's nothing like spending a night with two of your best friends.

Then we drove home, ha. That was fun... at 4 in the morning. Matt talked the whole way there... then on the way home... nothing. What a jerk, ha. He doesn't talk when he's tired. This was a bad thing. On top of being tired, I'm not sure what was up with my brain, but it was making me hallucinate real bad. First, we almost drove into a house, that was in the middle of the road, but it was okay, because we were just driving through the front door... then there was a toad that was ginormous, and we almost drove up on its face, but it disappeared before we got to it. There were some pillars in the middle of the road, too. A few other things as well... like a large farm tractor of some kind that was driving across the road right in front of us... that was the one that looked the most real... I had my foot on the brake ready to slam on the brakes hard when Matt asked why I was braking... cuz apparently, there was no tractor. So even though he was tired, He was still alert enough to let me know my hallucinagens were just that, and not real. But, it's not like I was falling asleep... I was alert... it was weird.

All that being said, we had one amazing night. It makes me smile thinking about it.

Friday, May 08, 2009

a movie review, of sorts

The Butterfly Effect

When the movie first came out, Heath saw it. I didn't. He said the movie was dumb and I shouldn't see it. Now, he's both a hard movie critic and an older brother, so I'm not sure if he told me it was dumb because he really didn't like it, or because it had "adult" content in it that he thought I shouldn't be watching. Probably both, it wasn't a movie that he would like. Either way, I didn't end up seeing it until tonight.
I'm actually not here to review the movie, that's why the 'of sorts' was tagged on to the title. I usually like Ashton Kutcher as an actor, so it helped that he was in it... specially because him and my cousin are pretty much home boys.
Anyways, if I took one thing away from the movie, it was that what we say and what we do have significance on the rest of our lives. We, unlike in the movie, will probably not ever realize the impact that certain situations and decisions have on the rest of our lives. But the fact is, every choice that is made, every word that is spoke, every action that is committed, has the opportunity to change both our and those around us's future -- for the good, or for the bad.
I guess with that in perspective, I might be a little bit more careful about what I say and do. I'd like to think that I already try to be conscienous of my words and actions, but the movie just made me more aware, at least for tonight.


So I have been excited for thunder storms to come. On Wednesday, I was blessed with a wonderfully violent thunderstorm that lasted for all of five minutes. Though the duration of the storm was small, the intensity was not. Within the short storm, the thunder roared and the ground shook. The rain poured, and the lightening struck.
Oh, did the lightening strike. It came all the way down from the beautifully black sky to touch the rain drenched ground. This particular lightening bolt was possibly the largest ever seen... and it's my guess that the bolt appeared so big because we (me and the rest of the people standing in the Westwood parking lot) had never seen a lightening bolt that up close and personal.
Minutes later sirens were coming from all over. First came the first responders in their vehicles, followed shortly by the police, fire department, and paramedics. People running from everywhere to get to the backyard of a house right across the street from Westwood. At this point all of us are standing out in the parking lot just watching all of this commosion, not entirely sure what to think of it. We could see what was going on. CPR was started... and it kept going... and going... (now, I had just passed my EMT national test on Monday, and one thing you know is that when CPR is initiated, usually the person doesn't make it - specially if the person doesn't come back right away). But then they stopped. Did the guy's heart start beating again? Or did they declare him? They put him on the stretcher and transported. He had made it... at least thus far.
So remember that lightening bolt that had touched down? Remember why it was so big? (cuz it was so close). Yeah... that's right. How often do you witness someone getting hit by a bolt of lightening?


Tuesday, May 05, 2009


i guess it's possible for a crappy day to turn into a pretty alright day.
not that the prior events of the day somehow turned out to be not-so-bad.
but that the events at the end of the crappy day,
made the crappy day seem not-so-crappy.
if you're catchin' my drift.

if you put together:
energy drinks
chocolate w/ peanut butter
toy guns that shoot little balls
52 pieces of chalk
and pain killers

you get one amazing night.
throw in a skaliky plaza that is screaming to be covered in all those 52 pieces of chalk, and it only gets better...

Monday, May 04, 2009

worst. birthday. ever.

woke up.
feel gross.
stuffy nose.
prepare for presentation.
give presentation.
listen to hours of presentations.
go the doctor.
be in more pain.
leave my necklace at doctor.
i liked that necklace, dangit.
go to mexican village with 2 cool friends.
that part was fun.
go back to school.
take the biggest final of my life.
it was like 4 hours long.
finally done.
now it's late.
and i'm tired.
lots of pain.

Friday, April 17, 2009

the hits just keep on coming

twenty-three year old's should not have heart attacks and die.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

the pending excitement

i am excited for thunderstorms.
it's been awhile.
and i cannot wait.

Sunday, April 12, 2009


i'd say that 'why' is the most asked question.
however, unfortunately, many times 'why' is a question that is never answered.
we will never know.
that's where trust comes in.
trust that God has a plan no matter what.
trust that even though there is sin in this world, God will make something beautiful out of our lives.
trust that a rainbow will come after the storm.
not always easy.
so many times i'd rather ask 'why'.

cam, why walk out in the middle of your song? why?

Saturday, April 11, 2009

and summer begins...

Bonfires on starry nights are quite possibly my favorite places to be... without a doubt in my mind. Tonight I attended my first bonfire of the season, and it was good.

The night started at a real-live honky-tonk bar. The kind with the bull to ride, the dance floor to swing dance on, and the old country music blaring loudly. It was a good time. It was definitely either a very redneck, or a very southern place to be... and being as we live in Minnesota, I'm going to go with redneck. An observation I had was that as the night went on and people had more alcohol in their system... they were better at staying on the bull, but this goes against all physiology i feel like.... but nonetheless, i still think it was true. It was a good time. Quite the experience.

Afterwhich, we went to a bonfire at a friend's house. We were all just sitting around, having a good time, when someone puts a glass bottle in the fire [cap on, mind you]. At this point it's getting late, and I'm pretty tired... I'm leaned forward in my chair, just staring at the fire... specifically the bottle in the fire, thinking to myself, "hhmmm... the cap is on that... it will probably explode..." But naturally, I don't say anything because I like fire and think it would be pretty cool if it did explode, not thinking the explosion would be too big if it did happen anyways. Sure enough BOOM -- it was so incredibly loud... glass flew everywhere... there was no reminence of the bottle anywhere, it was shattered to pieces... the glass flew in every direction and quite far, actually. Somehow, however, none of it touched me, and I was sitting right in front of it. Once the immediate panic died down, and the utter shock and amazement of what just happened had passed, someone took out a flashlight to look at all of the glass everywhere. It was at this point that we realized that one of my friends was covered in blood... the glass had apparently not missed him, but actually attacked him. He was sitting right next to me... so how he got it all, I'm not sure... but it was quite funny due to the fact that he felt nothing. I'm not saying he was completely sober, and thus is probably why he bled so much, but still. It was pretty funny that he had no clue that he had been cut open in numerous locations and had blood everwhere by the time he realized it.

And thus... summer begins. Bonfires begin. Starry nights begin. Memories begin.

...let the fun begin.*

[*disclaimer: i'm not saying there is no fun in the winter, but i'm saying something close to it. summer fun comes no where near winter fun. i realize it's a completely different kind of fun, but i think it's still a funner fun... a summer kind of fun.]

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

the bare necessities

I've been thinking the past week or so, that it would be really nice if the bare necessities in life, were not a necessity at all. It would be nice to not crave sleep when it is all too often lacking. It would be nice not to have to listen and feel my stomach grumbling when I don't have time to give it the food it desires. These things would be nice. But what I think might be a bit nicer, is if these simple bare necessities were all the necessities that filled my day... and not all the other "necessities" that take away my ability to fulfill the natural cravings of my human body.

I did not intend to take the words of this tune from my childhood, but it seems as though I have, so I shall reminisce.

Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
That's why a bear can rest at ease
With just the bare necessities of life

And don't spend your time lookin' around
For something you want that can't be found
When you find out you can live without it
And go along not thinkin' about it
I'll tell you something true

The bare necessities of life will find you

Friday, March 27, 2009

true beauty

FACT: i am a pyro. i love fire. i love watching things burn.

so tonight I witnessed something truly beautiful.... physics in action.

when you [or anyone, really] is pouring gas from a gas can onto a fire, the fire will travel up the flowing stream of gas and explode the gas can, engulfing it in flames.

at this point, you [or anyone] would no longer have the desire to be holding said can of gasoline.

at which point, you [or anyone in their right mind] would throw the flaming can away from your body [after running around with it for a little bit, of course, out of sheer panic].

now, only if you're really lucky, would this flaming gas can happen to land in a field of brush... of very dead and dried out grass and pine branches...

i'm guessing you can only assume that all of said brush also would immediately light on fire.

and i am here to tell you -- that is exactly what happened. and it was beautiful.

i am also here to tell you, to have no fear, for most of it was caught on tape

NOTE 1: we were able to eventually get the fire to stop, and we did not in turn burn down the woods, which we happen to be right next to... but it takes a LONG time to put out a fire that consists of gallons of gasoline on dead grass... it just keeps going and going. and when you try to put it out, you will in turn catch on fire [at least this is the probable occurence].

NOTE 2: when playing with fire, have water near by, because if something like this happens, it probably would be nice to have some water on hand... luckily [since we were not so smart], we live in MN and there is still snow on the ground which is kind of like water, and also works to put out fire...

Thursday, March 26, 2009

goodnight neverland.

it was good while it lasted.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

cancer sucks

dear jesus.
my best friend is really sick.
he is in a lot of pain and feels like hell.
sometimes he can't breathe at all.
he can't eat.
and yet he throws up still.
his whole body hurts all over really bad.
he has a high fever and is all stuffed up too.
and dear jesus.
i love him so much.
it hurts me to know that he has to live like this.
and jesus.
i think it hurts you to see him like this too.
so please heal him.
make his head feel better.
take his fever away.
settle his stomach.
breathe new and fresh oxygen into his lungs.
relax his muscles.
and jesus.
if you don't heal him, please give him strength to get through this.
he is so weak.
his body is so frail and fading too quickly.
you tell me that in our weaknesses, then you are strong.
so jesus.
please be his strength.
be his strength.
tonight i want nothing else.
and jesus.
tomorrow i'm going to want the same thing.
i love you.

if by chance you know my friend as well, then you also know he doesn't like people knowing about how he's doing medically... but i also know that he truly covets your prayers... so please pray for his health... or at least for strength... or peace... or understanding... he hasn't been doing well, i guess you could say... so, thanks.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


So this past weekend I went to Lutsen with some friends... I would definately say it was a blast. I haven't had that much fun in a long time... being cooped up in school 10 hours every day and all. It was nice to have a break and get out of town and away from the norm for awhile. And the slopes up at Lutsen are definately a lot better then all the ones around here. Hanging out with friends who could easily make me laugh was a huge plus too, of course. It brought much joy into my life, as well as much pain... physical pain, of course... but gotta take the good with the bad And I'd take this physical pain any day for another weekend like that.

This was 1/2 our group... notice the motel in the background... honestly the most shady motel ever. We arrived there on Friday the 13th and it felt like it was straight out of a horror flick. No joke. We had a lot of fun with that though... after the hebegeebee's left us, that is.

The top of this mtn had the best view. We could see several other "mtns" from here, as well as lake superior. It was b-e-a-utiful. It had just snowed 12-14inches on Tuesday, then was below zero until Friday when we got there when it was 30-50 degrees the whole time we were there... I don't think we could have had a more perfect weekend weather-wise.

Is there anything more comfortable to sleep on than a snowboard? Not then. At that point in time it felt like a warm comfy bed... I think we could have fallen asleep anywhere.

Soli Deo Gloria for such an amazing weekend...
it was greatly needed, and much appreciated.

i quit, i do not fail

To Fail: to fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved
To Quit: to stop, cease, or discontinue

I, Ashley Danae Paddock, am a quitter.

Although I am a very competetive person, and in many things refuse to lose, refuse to give up until I've succeeded... or at least until I cannot physically go on any further... in many things, unfortunately, I would be considered a quitter.

I like to try new things. I like new experiences. I look at things other people can do and want them for myself... not in a jealous way, just in a "oh it would be cool if I could do that..." kind of way. So I attempt. And I usually suck at it, so I quit... without giving it a good enough try.
Many things have come easily to me in my life. If something doesn't come easy, and if I think it takes too much work... If I don't get "good" at it rather quickly, I'll quit... I'll deem it not worthy enough of my time. Because I see him and I see her and they are already so good at it... I could never be as good as them... or, at least it would take too much work... I want to already be good, I do not like the learning process.

Many things in life this aspect of my personality does not apply to... but for some, it does. I am trying to think of all the things I've quit in my life... but I can only think of a few. Now there are a handful of things in my life that I've had to quit due to [much hated] physical limitations... these are not what I'm referring to.

The things I'm referring to are the fact that my right hand never agreed with my left hand when trying to play the piano, or that putting strumming patterns together on a guitar was more difficult then desired, or just telling myself that i can't balance so the unicyle should just stay hanging in the garage, or just because heath got better than me at the bass, it had to be over for me... I quit.

I remember one time, several years ago, heath mentioned something to me about how I quit things. I think it was around the time I was thinking about buying a guitar before I knew how to play. At the time I was taken back by the statement, but lets be serious, it was true. And hey, I'm glad I never bought a guitar... me and the guitar were never going to get along.

All of this to say, I have a reputation of quitting things.
For some reason, unknown to me, I have always had one thing I've wanted to do before I die.
You know some people have a list of things, whether on paper or in their head of accomplishments or things to do before they die? I've always just had one for as long as I can remember.
My one thing is that I want to go out to Colorado and snowboard on the powderpuff mountains of the Rockies.
I agree, it's a strange dream. My family is into summer sports... water sports. We've never been a winter sports family. My parents used to snowmobile but gave that up when we were just small kids so we never got into it... We never did any kind of winter sports. I've never snow skiied or snowboarded, and honestly don't know why I've always had this as a dream. And I've also always realized that if this dream were to come true, I need to learn to snowboard at some point in time. Knowing I have a reputation of quitting things, it was a bit nerve-racking taking that step to learn... because it was something I so badly wanted to love to do.

So come October of 2008 I take a leap and buy a snowboard, never having boarded once in my life... never even snow skiied, never even been to any slopes. I figured that if I bought the board, even if I got discouraged, I'd force myself to keep going because I just dished out so much money for it, I better not waste it. Also, it's something I've always wanted to do... something I've always wanted to love.

This past winter I tried to go out at least once every other week, if not every week. Sunday's are my day off school and just so happens Sundays are the cheap days to go boarding, so it worked out just dandy. I loved every minute of it. Never once did I even get the slightest urge to give up. It was the time of my life... I do not want winter to be over.

Friday, March 06, 2009

things eyes hate

- getting shampoo in them
- forcibly being kept open when all they want to do is sleep
- making them study words on a page
......specially when they are tired and have remnants of shampoo in them

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

...take me back to the age of innocence...

"the way we're living makes no sense, take me back to the age of innocence..."
--cute is what we aim for--

"i want to know what it's like to be awkward and innocent..."
--motion city soundtrack--

lately i've been trying to remember the time when there was
no pain... no hurt... no worries...
when i thought that my parents were millionaires bcuz we always had what we needed.
when no one i knew had died,
when no one had ever told me i was worthless or unwanted,
when i hadn't ever had a fight with my parents...
back to the time when i didn't even know putting up walls was an option,
and my version of a bad day was heath not letting me play legos with him...
to not even be able to comprehend war and hate and crime and suicide...
to not know that so many christians are cliche...
to go back to that time...
to be awkward and innocent...
i wonder what it'd be like to be in those shoes again...

i wonder what it'd be like to be awkward and innocent again...

Monday, March 02, 2009


what am i passionate about?

[setting aside my passion for Jesus Christ, which I hope will always take priority in my life]

i am passionate about my friends.
for those whom i truly love, i would do anything.

ode to the big juicy watermelon

currently i am indulging in a fine piece of delicious, red, juicy, cold, watermelon.
this has not taken place since the contest last summer.
at that point in my life its safe to say i never wanted to eat watermelon again.
but tonight... it is so delicious.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

the joy of learning

--things i have learned this week--

1. i never want to live in rochester
2. the fazoli's in rochester didn't close when all the other ones in MN did -- and they still give out unlimited free delicious breadsticks
3. eva joy brandes is a very hospitable person [i was already aware of this, but found out first hand... thanks eva, for everything]
4. professors are very lenient and empathetic when you have to skip a week of school to go to the doctor versus going on vacation
5. if you don't tell anyone that you're leaving town for the week -- they will call and wonder what happened to you
6. no matter where you go you will always find doctors whom you cannot stand
7. i learned what it's like to literally have nothing to do -- it's been a LONG time since this has happened... and i also learned that i can take a 3 hour nap every day if i have the chance
8. if you go to a theater completely wasted, sit in the back row, and yell things out all the time, the police will come and drag you out, no matter how hard you resist
9. it's a lot harder to do hw when you're not in the school setting
10. amish stores will always remind me of julie patricia stoner
11. eva brings her accordian to birthday parties all the time, not just at camp
12. i am still the champ at freecell... and i definately had time to win enough games to proof it.

Monday, February 16, 2009

it happens

it's always fun getting hurt when it's doing something that you enjoy...
i mean, it's at least more fun then hurting yourself doing something you don't enjoy...

as i look in the mirror and see a swollen and bruised and scraped face, i grin and kinda chuckle to myself... and think to myself, 'man, i had a good night last night...'

but then again, the whole pulling muscles in my shoulder thing... that's a bit less fun of a reminder... a shoulder is something thats needed in most all ADL's [activities of daily living], so if it gives you excruciating pain whenever you move it the slightest bit, you're screwed... thus, i'm screwed... at least i know it'll heal.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

spring or winter?

i have not decided if its spring yet... or if it in fact is still winter.
because the past couple weeks, it's definately been spring weather.
and the past couple days its been rainy.
rain means spring.
it does not rain in the middle of winter.
but, correction: it just did.
so i'm getting used to going outside without a coat on, and not warming up the car...
what'll get me is when the temperature drops again.
i won't be prepared for it.
because my body has already told me that its now warm outside.
i want more snow for boarding...
but i'm okay if it stays warm like this for the remainder of the winter.
though i do not think it'll happen.
i think we'll get a lot more snow in march like we usually do.
and i think the temperature will drop to be around zero degrees for awhile again before it warms up for spring and summer time.
that is my prediction.
though it has been very nice that the roads are clear.
very nice.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

< for cam >

...even the skies wept for Cam today.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Would I clench my fist, fall down and scream at all I cannot do?
Or dry my eyes and crawl back to my feet,
And stumble after you.

there is so much pain.
and so much i cannot do to change it.
i want so badly to be able to take it away.
but it doesn't work like that.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

he had to make the choice.

i'm not sure if it'd be the hardest or easiest choice for someone to make.

my guess is hardest.

Friday, February 06, 2009

there will be a day

the questions run so deep... and it's 2 in the morning.

i should be lost in sleep... but in my mind i am sorting

all the things that i can't explain... why so many suffer in pain

where's the answer?

i hide behind the smiles... in my heart i am bleeding

never knowing what tomorrow brings...

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

FEAR: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling of being afraid.

I was thinking the other day about fear... pure, genuine, fear.
Many people have things that they are afraid of, whether it is spiders, the dark, or clowns...
I do not have any fears of actual things, like those mentioned above.
However, I have been known to have the fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being unworthy or unloved.

But neither of those two types of fears were what was on my mind.
It was the "distressing emotion aroused by impending danger" type of fear that I was thinking about. I was thinking about the time[s] in my life where I thought, "this is it, we're all going to die". I came up with two instances.

1. Summer of 2008. Camp counselor. 10 jr high girls out on a pontoon. 10 jr high girls not sitting down. Long story short: the pontoon almost flipped over. Don't you even think about telling me that it's not possible. It got almost perpendicular to the water. At that point -- it was not possible for me to have any more fear than what I had already.
My thoughts:
1. we're all going to die [less realistic]
2. the pontoon is going to flip [semi-realistic]
3. i am going to get fired [who knows]
4. i'll never be able to work at camp again [who knows]
5. i don't know what to do [true]

I had so much fear in that moment. Obviously, it all turned out alright. 1/2 the girls fell out, and when it leveled out the water was over my knees, as the pontoon took on so much water -- it was submerged to over the benches. I didn't take a pontoon out for over a month after that. And the next time... I was the most strict pontoon driver you'll ever see.

2. Summer of 2005ish [sometime around there]. Family vacation to Mexico. After rope swinging through the jungle. Swimming in the river. Toni and I are adventurous people... ending up going through white water rapids [the kind with big boulders above and beneath the water] without a raft, without life jackets, without anything. Spending most of the time under the water being smashed against the rocks -- sometimes making it up for gasping breaths of air.
My thoughts:
1. Toni is going to die
2. Her parents are going to hate me
3. But I'll probably die too
4. The water is moving so fast
5. We don't have a chance to make it to the side
6. These rocks freakin kill to be thrown against

To this day, I have no clue how we both managed to make it to the side. All I remember is seeing Toni make it to the side -- then I was there beside her somehow. But during that time -- I experienced fear like I never had before.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Chapter Eleven in the Gospel of Luke

1Now Jesus was praying in a certain place, and when he finished, one of his disciples said to him, "Lord, teach us to pray"...

5And he said to them, "Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, 'Friend, lend me three loaves, 6for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him'; 7and he will answer from within,
'Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything'?
8I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence [boldness, persistence, insistence, importunity, shamelessness, and shameless audacity] he will rise and give him whatever he needs.

9And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 10For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.

11What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; 12or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

I like this passage. Verses 2-4, which I did not include here, is part of the "Lord's Prayer". I think too many people focus on that part of Jesus' answer than this part. Books upon books have been written on the Lord's Prayer, and yet I feel the next part of the chapter is what gets to me. I have heard one sermon on this passage years ago, and it still sticks with me.

If we are passive when we go to Christ with our needs and concerns, we may not get didily squat. As in this passage... if you go and ask once and don't get an answer right away, or even a "no", don't quit. Don't stop asking. Don't give up because you think it's a hopeless cause. Stand out in the street in the middle of the night, banging on Christ's door begging for whatever you may need. I believe Christ will honor our persistence... as this is how He told us to pray.

Christ is unchanging, yes. But that does not mean that He can't change a "no" to a "yes". That does not change who He is. And above all, His will shall be done, I understand that. But taking that into consideration, I do not believe we should go passively before our God just because, ultimately, His will will be done. We need to be bold, and have shameless audacity before His throne. We need to get on our knees and beg.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

John 16:33

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.

In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."

In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."

In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]

While you are in the world, you will have to suffer. But cheer up! I have defeated the world.

In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world."

You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world."

In this world you will have trouble. But cheer up! I have won the battle over the world."

The world will trouble you much. But be glad. I have power over the world.'

Put it all together:

In this world you will experience trials and sorrow, trouble, tribulation, difficulties, distress and frustration, you will have to suffer... but take heart and be of good cheer, be couragous and confident, certain and undaunted, be brave, and be glad because Christ has overcome and conquered the world... He has defeated and won the battle over the world. Cheer up! For it is He who holds all the power over the world.

I realize that you can't just do this to scripture, but I just did. I think it adds so much meaning to the verse... it's probably something like what the Message would say, ha.

This verse is what our three week series at youth group is on. It's pretty intense. Everyone can relate to trials... For everyone has gone through them, is going through them, or will go through them... many I'd say fall into all three catergorizes.

gotta love grandma's couch patterns...

Sunday, January 25, 2009

my car, the weatherman

It was the fall of my junior year of high school when I was blessed with the most weird looking car that ever did exist. One night while talking online to my friends Charles Eiden and Nathan Strom I asked them each for a name, one gave me the name "Harvey" the other "Winslow" -- thus Harvey Winslow became the name of my tiny car.

I live in Minnesota... always have. It gets cold here. Lately, it has gotten extremely cold... I haven't thought it's been that bad, if we're being serious. But apparently we've hit a few record lows. All this to say, I wouldn't know it's cold outside if I didn't watch the forcast [which rarely happens]. I realize that for the past few weeks it's been below zero, but beyond that I wouldn't know-- it all feels the same to me.

Now, "How do these two things relate?" you may ask. Let me tell you... my car lets me know if it's cold out or not.

If it's -5 or above: you don't have to let it warm up... it won't even make that high-pitched noise when you turn it on... it's a good little car like that... minnesotan, no doubt.
If it's -10 or below: the automatic locks no longer work [they try -- it sounds like they are unlocking, but are most definately not].
If it's -20 or below: if you don't let it warm up, take into consideration that the brakes are frozen and won't work [you can push all you want, but they aren't budging] for awhile, so be sure to let it warm up.
If it's -35 or below: don't drive. the little car still turns on and will run [it's very good like that - most people's cars won't start. mine... always starts.] but even though it will still run, there is no need to be outside in that weather.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

--on the perfect church--

“If I had never joined a church till I had found one that was perfect, I should never have joined one at all; and the moment I did join it, if I had found one, I should have spoiled it, for it would not have been a perfect church after I had become a member of it.
Still, imperfect as it is, it is the dearest place on earth to us.
-- Charles Spurgeon --

the joy of finding things you didn't even know were lost

so i found five dollars just now, and my first thought to myself was, "I'M RICH!"

...and that is how i know i'm still in college.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

by your side

why are you still searching... as if i'm not enough...

these lyrics resonated with me tonight. i do not think that they describe me at this time, but nonetheless... they are powerful i do believe.

Friday, January 09, 2009

somewhere over the rainbow

I think I have come to terms with the fact that for some reason [completely unknown to me] this is one of my favorite songs.
Now, this song has been redone hundreds of times. I do not like all the versions. On the contrary, I only like a few.
The few that are my favorites are as follows:

Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole:
[He was a large Hawaiian man who had the most beautiful voice... In his version he added a few verses, but nonetheless, love the song.]

Jason Castro:
[He is just a white boy with some cool dreads. I think he was on 2008 American Idol. Didn't win, but left me with this wonderful version of the song. It seems to me that he tried to copy Israel's version of the song, yet stuck with the original lyrics.]

Shawn McDonald:
[He is a phenomenal musician all around, at least in my opinion. He too changes the lyrics, but only slightly, to go with his style of music.]

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes:
[This is one of my favorite versions, hah. I don't know how I originally got it, I've just had it on my computers since I was in middle school. Maybe Heath downloaded it at one point and I got hooked, not sure.]

Judy Garland, on the other hand, is not one of my favorite singers of the song. I can't stand her version... even though it was technically the first, being as the song was originally written for the movie The Wizard of Oz... she just doesn't cut it.

The original lyrics to...
Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Harold Arlen
...lyrics by E.Y. Harburg

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops way up above the chimney tops
Thats where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I

If happy little blue birds fly across the rainbow
Why oh why can't I

Monday, January 05, 2009

new years resolutions

I loath new years resolutions... with everything that's in me.
I realize that many people do not share my thoughts on the issue, and I am completely fine with that. I'm fine with other people having new years resolutions, but they are not for me.
I realized yesturday that last year I actually made a new years resolution, and to my great surprise, I actually made it the entire year and followed it! Blew my mind when I realized this.

I like buying clothes... and since I'm a bargain shopper, I never thought it was that big of a deal that i bought a lot of clothes. But when you put a lot of bargains together, they start to add up. Last year about this time I realized that and decided that I wasn't going to buy any clothes the entire year.
Now, realize that I already have plenty of clothes for all seasons, because of how much I loved to buy clothes... so this was a very realistic goal. Realistic in the sense that it was possible, but definately not plausible. I set the goal, knowing I couldn't follow it... nothing like setting yourself up for failure.
But here's the thing... I bought three articles of clothing last year. THREE. That's it! I still count that as succeeding in my goal, because come on, in all years previous I'd buy on average three things a week. Now, in my two things, I am not counting clothes for work or school, because those are neccesities that I wouldn't buy if I didn't have to, but I think that is legit.
Also, I think my three things were reasonable:
One: I camp sweatshirt. It was my 50% off item, so it was only like 10 bucks. And it'd almost be stupid not to buy something at fifty percent off.
Two: Camp sweat-pant shorts. Unneccesary, I will admit, so I'll leave it at that. BUT I do wear them a lot and love them... if that's any consolation.
Three: Jean shorts. It was towards the end of the summer, and at that point I always feel like a slob, because I've been wearing camp clothes all summer and that makes one feel gross. So I bought them to remind myself that I'm a girl and can look cute in summer clothes.

The end.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

I think they call it "break"

Most people call this time around Christmas a "break", but for me it is never really feels that way. It was good to get to go home for like five days, but it also would have been nice if it had been a bit longer. But then the day after Christmas I was right back to school... not that I don't enjoy it, but come on, you can't beat no school.

Eight things that happened over my "break":

1. The day of my last final I drove home and then proceeded over to my brothers house... where we played new-school [as opposed to old-school] sonic the hedgehog. It is way different then it used to be. I like the old-school one so much more. He also showed me his under-water computer, which took me a long time to actually believe. But then Hannah came home and she brought me to Overflow, which was cool, being as I'd never been there before. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with my siblings over break. I wish we got more time together. I miss them a lot.
2. Several times while I was home I went to what they call "trivia" with the boys [and sometimes Emily]. Although I've spent many summers with Rich and Taco, I still feel like I don't really know them... and yet those few nights we got to spend together were really nice to see them in a different context, I guess. They are a couple of amazing guys. And of course Matt was there too... and it always makes my day to be around him... always.
3. Christmas: was amazing. Very possibly the best Christmas I've ever experienced. My family does this thing called Minneapolis Miracle down in the cities... and this year, it was just better than before. It was incredibly fun, and I loved it. I think it's the best way possible to spend Christmas day... serving people... serving people in need. Not that I hadn't enjoyed it before, but I don't know... it was just amazing.
4. I know Christmas isn't about what you get, but this year, I felt more blessed then before. That might just be part of my selfishness coming out, but seriously... I felt truly blest. Maybe it's because this year I did not feel worthy of any gifts, or becuase I know my parents aren't as financially able as they have been in the past... but I was truly overwhelmed with what was given to me, regarless.
5. Then it was back up to school I go. Hockey started, and thus, I started. It has been really fun though, the girls are great, and I completely enjoy the trainers that I work with as well. And it's probably good that we have morning practices, so it keeps me on a semi-regular schedule as well.
6. One Sunday a few of my friends and I went snowboarding... I ended the night with broken bindings, and in the ER. Those two things were not related. In short: I broke my bindings, and Ryan broke his face. Basically, he went off a jump, and instead of landing with his board, he landed with his face, and because it was especially icy that day, consequently tore some of his face off. Thankfully, after only four hours of sitting in the ER, they decided that Ryan would live, and he has been doing quite well ever since. Although we all only got about 5 runs in at the slopes before we had to leave rather quickly, the night didn't turn out so bad. The ER visit was actually quite entertaining. I had the privilege of waiting in the [kids] waiting room with two of the funniest guys I know... and finally saw the movie Peter Pan for the first time ever. Also, I was able to get my bindings fixed free of charge, due to the fact it was a manufacturing mistake, which was a sweet deal.
7. New Years Eve: It was the first year in like seven years that I was not in Upsala for new years eve. Not gonna lie, going into the night, I was unsure at how it would go... I didn't really know how to spend a new years eve not at the all-nighter in upsala. But it turned into a very amazing night. My youth group had a party, in which I of course attended, and had a blast. My girls are entirely amazing, and I love getting to know them more on a friend basis. I loved it. So much fun.
8. New Years Day after practice [yes we had early morning practice -- that was enjoyable] when I realized that I had almost 24 hours off from school, as I didn't have to go in until the evening the following day, I packed up and headed to Upsala to hang out with one of my favorite people in the world... if I'm allowed to say that... I had a blast, like usual... we didn't do much, but we always have fun just sitting there talking, so I'm cool with that... it's actually comical to me how much of nothing we do together and we both enjoy it entirely. I just like hanging out with her, I guess, no matter what we do. Then we finally decided what we wanted to do at like 11pm, which was going on a road trip, hah. That was exciting. And consequently made for another late night. I love Hannah.

So that is my "break" in a nutshell. I actually just found out yesturday that classes don't start again until next week. So I get another week "off" which is nice. Although I still have school every day, hockey is so much better than classes. Hands down.