the joy of learning

--things i have learned this week--

1. i never want to live in rochester
2. the fazoli's in rochester didn't close when all the other ones in MN did -- and they still give out unlimited free delicious breadsticks
3. eva joy brandes is a very hospitable person [i was already aware of this, but found out first hand... thanks eva, for everything]
4. professors are very lenient and empathetic when you have to skip a week of school to go to the doctor versus going on vacation
5. if you don't tell anyone that you're leaving town for the week -- they will call and wonder what happened to you
6. no matter where you go you will always find doctors whom you cannot stand
7. i learned what it's like to literally have nothing to do -- it's been a LONG time since this has happened... and i also learned that i can take a 3 hour nap every day if i have the chance
8. if you go to a theater completely wasted, sit in the back row, and yell things out all the time, the police will come and drag you out, no matter how hard you resist
9. it's a lot harder to do hw when you're not in the school setting
10. amish stores will always remind me of julie patricia stoner
11. eva brings her accordian to birthday parties all the time, not just at camp
12. i am still the champ at freecell... and i definately had time to win enough games to proof it.

it happens

it's always fun getting hurt when it's doing something that you enjoy...
i mean, it's at least more fun then hurting yourself doing something you don't enjoy...

as i look in the mirror and see a swollen and bruised and scraped face, i grin and kinda chuckle to myself... and think to myself, 'man, i had a good night last night...'

but then again, the whole pulling muscles in my shoulder thing... that's a bit less fun of a reminder... a shoulder is something thats needed in most all ADL's [activities of daily living], so if it gives you excruciating pain whenever you move it the slightest bit, you're screwed... thus, i'm screwed... at least i know it'll heal.

spring or winter?

i have not decided if its spring yet... or if it in fact is still winter.
because the past couple weeks, it's definately been spring weather.
and the past couple days its been rainy.
rain means spring.
it does not rain in the middle of winter.
but, correction: it just did.
so i'm getting used to going outside without a coat on, and not warming up the car...
what'll get me is when the temperature drops again.
i won't be prepared for it.
because my body has already told me that its now warm outside.
i want more snow for boarding...
but i'm okay if it stays warm like this for the remainder of the winter.
though i do not think it'll happen.
i think we'll get a lot more snow in march like we usually do.
and i think the temperature will drop to be around zero degrees for awhile again before it warms up for spring and summer time.
that is my prediction.
though it has been very nice that the roads are clear.
very nice.

< for cam >

...even the skies wept for Cam today.

Would I clench my fist, fall down and scream at all I cannot do?
Or dry my eyes and crawl back to my feet,
And stumble after you.
-awh


there is so much pain.
and so much i cannot do to change it.
i want so badly to be able to take it away.
but it doesn't work like that.

he had to make the choice.

i'm not sure if it'd be the hardest or easiest choice for someone to make.

my guess is hardest.

there will be a day

the questions run so deep... and it's 2 in the morning.

i should be lost in sleep... but in my mind i am sorting

all the things that i can't explain... why so many suffer in pain

where's the answer?

i hide behind the smiles... in my heart i am bleeding

never knowing what tomorrow brings...

FEAR: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling of being afraid.

I was thinking the other day about fear... pure, genuine, fear.
Many people have things that they are afraid of, whether it is spiders, the dark, or clowns...
I do not have any fears of actual things, like those mentioned above.
However, I have been known to have the fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being unworthy or unloved.

But neither of those two types of fears were what was on my mind.
It was the "distressing emotion aroused by impending danger" type of fear that I was thinking about. I was thinking about the time[s] in my life where I thought, "this is it, we're all going to die". I came up with two instances.


1. Summer of 2008. Camp counselor. 10 jr high girls out on a pontoon. 10 jr high girls not sitting down. Long story short: the pontoon almost flipped over. Don't you even think about telling me that it's not possible. It got almost perpendicular to the water. At that point -- it was not possible for me to have any more fear than what I had already.
My thoughts:
1. we're all going to die [less realistic]
2. the pontoon is going to flip [semi-realistic]
3. i am going to get fired [who knows]
4. i'll never be able to work at camp again [who knows]
5. i don't know what to do [true]

I had so much fear in that moment. Obviously, it all turned out alright. 1/2 the girls fell out, and when it leveled out the water was over my knees, as the pontoon took on so much water -- it was submerged to over the benches. I didn't take a pontoon out for over a month after that. And the next time... I was the most strict pontoon driver you'll ever see.


2. Summer of 2005ish [sometime around there]. Family vacation to Mexico. After rope swinging through the jungle. Swimming in the river. Toni and I are adventurous people... ending up going through white water rapids [the kind with big boulders above and beneath the water] without a raft, without life jackets, without anything. Spending most of the time under the water being smashed against the rocks -- sometimes making it up for gasping breaths of air.
My thoughts:
1. Toni is going to die
2. Her parents are going to hate me
3. But I'll probably die too
4. The water is moving so fast
5. We don't have a chance to make it to the side
6. These rocks freakin kill to be thrown against

To this day, I have no clue how we both managed to make it to the side. All I remember is seeing Toni make it to the side -- then I was there beside her somehow. But during that time -- I experienced fear like I never had before.