Thursday, November 13, 2008

exhaustion vs. sleeping

NINE times out of TEN (i have not taken an actual count, i'm just guesstimating) I would rather stay awake until I'm completely exhausted and be able to fall asleep within a minute of my head hitting the pillow than have to lay there for who knows how long before I can actually fall asleep.
I hate that time between lying down and falling asleep.
It's when my thoughts go wild... my mind thinks about anything and everything (most of which I'd be better off not having thought about). Usually during the day I can do a pretty good job of preventing this from happening (it's one advantage of being so insanely busy), but once lying still, there is nothing from stopping my mind. Then it doesn't matter how tired I am, there isn't a chance of me falling asleep for hours due to the fact my mind has grabbed ahold of me and won't let me go.
It's torchure.
So I choose to stay awake, with my music as my company, until my eyes can no longer stay open. Which, consequently, means in the morning I'll have nothing left in me, but at least I didn't have to lay in agony the night before, and that's what counts. But as long as this is a ritual, it's not hard to reach the point of not being able to keep my eyes open, as I'm there most of the day anyways. But the problem is, night gives me energy... it always has.
I think many people deal with this problem of thoughts preventing them from sleeping... just maybe not a widely talked about subject. I don't know what others choose to do to cope with this, but I've found my solution. And although it may not make sense to anyone else, it makes sense to me... for I have tried the lying in bed with endless thoughts and I cannot take it anymore. I lived years of my life like that, and it got to be too much... too much for even me.

Just some thoughts from tonight... as I sit here not tired enough to fall asleep right away, so I had to occupy myself with something.
peace out home skillet

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