passion and perspective

I was told that two things you should never lose, above all, are passion and perspective. This is something I've been meaning to look into, but unfortunately my schedule has not warranted it. I've thought about it quite a bit, however, and it seems to be legit. But I figured that if I post about it like this, I'll be more likely to remember and look into it sooner... almost just to justify to myself that it is a true statement... because I feel like those two characteristics cover over almost everything else. I mean, if you have the correct perspective on things, that in and of itself is a huge battle. Once you see things clearly, and situations come to make sense [at least as much sense as God warrents... as He is all-knowing and we are not], there is not much else you need. Once you realize that God is sovereign in all circumstances [thus gaining perspective], there should be no more fear, no more worry, no more impatience, ect... and from that, even joy can be stemmed... because there is joy in knowing the sovereignty of God. So many things follow after you gain a correct perspective on things.
And then there is passion. I suppose you could say that somehow passion could be stemmed from perspective as well... but I like that it was also stated as a necessity. At least it is something that I've definately found to be true... passion is a must. Once you lose passion... you lose everything. If that desire for God is gone, it is incredibly hard to continue pursuing Him. Possible? of course... we aren't going to always FEEL like pursuing God. But I think passion pushes past feelings. It is a desire that comes from deep within us...

Okay so I wasn't going to rant about this tonight, but I guess it happened anyways. I have absolutely nothing to back me up, these are just the ramblings thoughts rolling around in my head. [as i read back through the post i realize that it is clear that i am very lethargic and my thoughts do not connect... oh well]


And at this point in time, I just wish that it wasn't so unbelievably hot in here so maybe I'd at least have a chance at breathing.

thanks friend ryan.

this is my friend ryan schoepf.
he taught me how to snowboard.
teaching someone takes patience.
thank you, friend ryan.

side note: and he is engaged to one amazing girl. props.

the things we do

10 Things You Could Say to 10 Different People:

1) Be my portion, forever.
2) Sleeping under the stars with you are some of my fondest memories.
3) Your kids are beautiful -- and they get it from you.
4) You're one friend I never want to lose, no matter what... but unfortunately, it'll probably happen.
5) For you, I will.
6) I wonder what it would be like if we were still friends.
7) I wish with everything in me that you didn't live so far away.
8) So many times I wish I never knew you... but once in awhile I remember a good time, and smile.
9) Most of my Batman things came from you, thank you.
10) I pray all the time that your lungs will heal.


9 Things About Yourself:

1) I care more than I show.
2) I'll never tell you that I love you if it's not true.
3) I don't trust easily.
4) I'm in pain most of the time.
5) I'll always dress how I want.
6) I sleep with a fan on, every night.
7) I have a pharmacy in my room -- you need it, I have it.
8) I wake up every morning wishing I had gone to sleep earlier.
9) I am batman.


8 Ways to Win My Heart:

1) Make me laugh.
2) Do something stupid, and mean it.
3) Be broken.
4) Read between the lines.
5) Sing.
6) Be vulnerable.
7) Listen.
8) Be patient.


7 Things That Cross my Mind A lot:

1) I wish I was sleeping.
2) I'd be able to see better if my glasses were clean.
3) Background music to my life would be nice.
4) I don't think the proff would mind if I just took a short nap...
5) Gross, my toe nails are not painted.
6) Can I afford it? Nope.
7) Certain friends.


6 Things I Have to do Before I Die:

1) Snowboard on power-puff mountains.
2) Never regret.
3) Always say what's on my mind.
4) Love.
5) Allow myself to be loved.
6) Worship without hesitation.


5 People Who Mean A Lot to You at The Moment:

1) Matthew Louis
2) Hannah Christene
3) Emily Grace
4) Ansley Blaire
5) Toni Charlene


4 Things You Can See Right Now:

1) A few pictures of my beautiful friends.
2) Batman towel.
3) Picture of Jeff Gordon, number 24.
4) My computer screen.


3 Bands You Listen to Often:

1) Hedley
2) Just Surrender
3) Waking Ashland


2 Things You do Before Bed:

1) Turn off the computer and lights.
2) Turn on the fan.


1 Confession:

1) Sometimes I think I care too much.

"unless you are an expert..."

Studying for a test, I came across the line in a book while discussing how to treat snakebites...

"Unless you are an expert in capturing snakes, do not try to catch it."

That got me thinking. How do you know if you're an expert in catching snakes? One might even work for animal control, and still not be an expert. When is one qualified as an expert in something? Is it once they've had extensive training in something, such as gotten their masters in a particular subject?

Could not someone assume if they used to catch snakes as a child, that they are now an expert? They may feel that this book is giving them full permission to attempt to capture a very large poisonous animal.

Just some thoughts that came to mind... and I thought I'd jot them down... mostly to postpone studying.

let's start at the very beginning...

...it's a very good place to start.


I am someone who has a pretty open relationship with God, as in, I talk to Him quite frequently throughout each day, but I think my problem is I forget that I can talk to God about me... I'm a pro at bringing other people to God in prayer, at asking for others' needs, asking for healing for other people, talking to God about other peoples' relationships... but when it comes to me, I just don't.

I'm not sure what the deal is, but I forget that I can ask God for things in my own life as well...

"Help me to not feel self conscious"
"Let me know how to handle this situation"
"Should I like him? Shouldn't I like him?"
"Help me not to dwell on things I shouldn't"
"Grant me confidence"
"Give me strength"
"Please heal me"
"Come to my rescue"
"Let me forget the past"
"Carry my burdens"
"Take these thoughts away from me"
"Show me your will"
"Teach me your ways"
"Show me how to be loved"

They are all prayers that I need... yet I feel so selfish when I pray for them. It's so much easier to pray for other people, but I've come to realize that I also need to lift myself up in prayer... for it is a relationship between ME and GOD... In a relationship you talk to the other person about yourself, not just about all of your friends.

So I'm going to try to get back to the basics...
A conversation between me and God, about me and God.
Sounds like a plan to me.

the genius of free chipotle

Today the Chipotle in St. Cloud gave out free burritos...
"Why?" You might ask, well let me tell you.

Today another taco/burrito place opened in St Cloud, though I do not recall the name of it. Some said that it was nasty of Chipotle to do this... giving free burritos so that no one would go to this new place and stole all their business... but I think it was genius. From a business stand point, it was pure genius.

I have never seen a line move so fast. The free burrito thing started at 2pm, and I, fortunately, was only about the 50th person in line -- I was outside, but not too far out, and once they started the line, I had my burrito in about three minutes... four tops. It was incredible. They had 5 or 6 people at the line throwing things on the burrito... it was intense. They must have had every employee working.

On top of the free burrito, they also had a free soda... at first, I questioned this, because even if a free soda was not in the equation, just as many people would have gone. I don't think anyone decided to only go once the free soda came into play. But then I realized it was probably due merely to efficiency. If people were trying to buy a soda to go along with their free burrito, this would have slowed down the line incredibly... so good thinking on their part.

Also, the only advertisement for this was through facebook. Facebook amazes me... I realize that it has more impact at the St. Cloud chipotle verses lets say the Coon Rapids one, because St Cloud is a college town and there are thousands of people on facebook in such a small radius. But the amount of people that were there right at 2pm, alone... holy crap. I got there at about 1:40, and by 2 o clock the line was about 200 meters long. Lots of people... thus, lots of free burritos. It'd be curious to know how much money they lost today... and if it was worth it. Will people now go their more because they got a free burrito? I know I won't. I'll go there the same amount I would have before, except it was nice to eat for free today... and I probably wouldn't have even known that the new place was opening if this whole shinanigan wouldn't have happened. All of this intrigues me.

storypeople

These are my favorite storypeople quotes. They are as follows:

• I don't have many vices beyond caring what other people think, she said, but that's a big one.
• I don't think of it as working for world peace, he said. I think of it as just trying to get along in a really big strange family.
• Can I count on you to be there, no matter what? she said & I said no & she said what kind of friend are you? & I said the kind who won't lie to you any time you want.
• I like people until they give me reason not to, she said.Some days they just drop like flies, though, she added.
• Everything changed the day she figured out there was exactly enough time for the important things in her life.
• How'd it go at soccer? I said & he said we worked on fundamentals & I said like why you were even chasing around after a ball in the first place? & from the way he looked at me I figured out that was probably too fundamental.
• The first time I played golf, I had the most fun throwing bread to the goldfish in the pro shop. It made as much sense as anything else.
• I was never good at hide & seek because I'd always make enough noise so my friends would be sure to find me. I don't have anyone to play those games with any more, but now & then I make enough noise just in case someone is still looking & hasn't found me yet.
• I didn't listen to her because she was my mother & wouldn't know anything until I was much older.
• You're the strangest person I ever met, she said & I said you too & we decided we'd know each other a long time.
• I asked her what she planned to do with her life & she said she was way beyond that point already. I'm just happy I remember to be there when it happens, she said.
• I've had some of my best conversations with strangers, she said, because they have no idea who they're dealing with.
• It's hardest to love the ordinary things, she said, but you get lots of opportunities to practice.
• I finally got to exactly where I wanted to be, she said, so why won't all these growth experiences go away & leave me alone?
• I only do this until I get dizzy & then I lay down on my back & watch the clouds, she said. It sounds simple but you won't believe how many people forget the second part.

11.20.2007

"Talent is cheap, dedication is costly." - Brian Budish


I will never forget him... but most of all, I will never forget how he showed me what it means to be truly humble... he was the most humble person I have ever known.

favorite call

i have officially decided that my favorite call in basketball is and one.
this call either makes one very happy or very upset.

on one hand, you could have gone up for the shot and under much adversity (or just taken a foul), you made the shot anyways... and the best part is, you get a chance to make another point.

on the other hand, you were trying to prevent a shot, and did not succeed, and not only did the other person make the basket, they get a chance at another point. this is very upsetting, as you should have just fouled better and they only possibly would have gotten 2 instead of 3.

exhaustion vs. sleeping

NINE times out of TEN (i have not taken an actual count, i'm just guesstimating) I would rather stay awake until I'm completely exhausted and be able to fall asleep within a minute of my head hitting the pillow than have to lay there for who knows how long before I can actually fall asleep.
I hate that time between lying down and falling asleep.
It's when my thoughts go wild... my mind thinks about anything and everything (most of which I'd be better off not having thought about). Usually during the day I can do a pretty good job of preventing this from happening (it's one advantage of being so insanely busy), but once lying still, there is nothing from stopping my mind. Then it doesn't matter how tired I am, there isn't a chance of me falling asleep for hours due to the fact my mind has grabbed ahold of me and won't let me go.
It's torchure.
So I choose to stay awake, with my music as my company, until my eyes can no longer stay open. Which, consequently, means in the morning I'll have nothing left in me, but at least I didn't have to lay in agony the night before, and that's what counts. But as long as this is a ritual, it's not hard to reach the point of not being able to keep my eyes open, as I'm there most of the day anyways. But the problem is, night gives me energy... it always has.
I think many people deal with this problem of thoughts preventing them from sleeping... just maybe not a widely talked about subject. I don't know what others choose to do to cope with this, but I've found my solution. And although it may not make sense to anyone else, it makes sense to me... for I have tried the lying in bed with endless thoughts and I cannot take it anymore. I lived years of my life like that, and it got to be too much... too much for even me.



Just some thoughts from tonight... as I sit here not tired enough to fall asleep right away, so I had to occupy myself with something.
peace out home skillet

my Unconventional thoughts on VB of the college Nature

I was with VB this season for AT.

Coming into the season I was disappointed, thinking I would not enjoy it. After all, they are a bunch of girls playing a sport I've never really understood, and on top of that, they might just be the worst team at SCSU. Who wants to follow a losing team? Not me, that is for sure. I have always come from teams who make it to state every year and who crush our competition, not get crushed. That's just not how I role.

But now, as the season comes to a close, I look back and realize that it was a pretty amazing season. I guess you don't have to win to have fun... but then again, it does make it easier that I'm technically not the one losing. So, yup. The girls on the team are amazing, and it's no doubt that they made the season wonderful. They are hilarious. They always give us plenty of laughter at practices to keep them enjoyable... and plenty to talk about as well.

Things I learned:
1. if the serve went over the net, say, "good serve"
2. even the best digger in the conference still screws up a lot
3. if the coach sucks, over half the team will quit
4. tearing an acl sucks no matter what sport or how good the team is
5. what a libero is
6. that in college vb they still follow the normal 6 person rotation, it just looks totally different
7. in college there is still that one mom that drives to every game
8. the AT always covers for the athletes to the coach
9. in canada, they call antacids "gravel"
10. they say a lot of funny things in canada... for one, "i went skipping today for a half hour" while we were all picturing her skipping down the street instead of running, and questioning WHY?, she really meant she jumped rope for a half hour.

Sports Science on FSN

The other day a friend from school recommended the show "Sports Science" on FSN. It sounded like an interesting show, so naturally I looked it up. But what I didn't realize was going to happen was being hooked so quickly. Each segment is only like 10 minutes long, so there are tons of them on youtube. The show is all about proving things in athletics. They have top of the line equiptment to figure out hang time in basketball, if its harder to hit a softball or baseball, how much distance a wide receiver can cover (when looking at this one, it's hard to imagine the quarterback doesn't always get the ball to them), which sport has the highest jumpers... and there are oh, so many more.

After I was done watching about an hours worth of the episodes I go to tell my roommate about the show due to my excitement about it. Through my excitement I started explaining it all to her in depth, then pausing to realize that she doesn't really care about sports, at least not nearly as much as I do. She said that the show did not sound interesting to her at all, but she loved how much I was excited about it.

This was when I realized that we are all incredibly nerdy about what we love. Heath is nerdy about computers. If ever he comes up with some new incredible program he invented, he must share about it... many times I don't know what he's talking about, but I love how excited he gets about it. It's what he's passionate about. My roommates always get excited about poems and writing and stuff (they are all english majors), and although I don't share their same interest for the classics and writing styles, I can appreciate how much it means to them. My dad loves wood... or maybe it's more the art of making things with wood. When he gets off on a tangent, there is no stopping him... he is nerdy about wood. It's what he's passionate about. And although we all have different things we are passionate about, I think we enjoy hearing about other peoples passions, even though they seem really nerdy to us sometimes... it's what brings them joy, and that, if nothing else, makes us smile.



Those are my unconventional thoughts of the week...

a glimpse.

1) I always have, and am sure that sports always will, make me smile. I love athletics. I love everything to do with sports (except maybe a few ref's here and there, but they are needed, nonetheless)
2) I guess when you're in this profession, your name is officially changed to "trainer". And of course, it's usually always yelled.
3) In my opinion, there is no better job... I just sit and watch sports all day. With music in one ear, and the other used to listen for my name to be yelled... "TRAINER!!" It's pure bliss. Oh, and I get paid for this? You've got to be kidding me. My life rocks.
4) I think I prefer watching girls basketball over guys. That's definately not the case for all sports, but I think so with bball.

intimidation
I think I've always felt a sort of intimidation to some level at least... of second guessing myself because there is always someone smarter than me where ever I may be. I was so with AT stuff too at tourney's and whatnot until I realized one thing... I am the smart one here... I know what's up and everyone else doesn't. That brings a lot of confidence which never hurts.

5) One girl asked me if I had any tape and sissy wrap... I thought that was funny.
6) I like when people come up to me and ask if I have any ice... "No, sorry, I'm just sitting next to a huge ice chest, but it's EMPTY!" dumb.

bordum
Everyone kept asking me if I was bored watching basketball all day... or if I was falling asleep... umm... NOPE. I was listening to music and watching basketball... what more could I have asked for?

reflection

That is the name of the new series we're doing at youth group, but what I am going to reflect on is Ecclesiastes...

My overall thoughts of the book were: oh my goodness I can't believe I have never read that book before. It was amazing. Not that I was expecting it to be lame, but that might be my favorite book of the Bible now. It had some really good stuff in it. I thoroughly enjoyed my time spent in it.


To sum of the book in one verse, I would say it'd have to be Ecc. 2:11:

"Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun." --King Solomon--


Vanity: the quality of being valueless or futile (also a common definition of it being false pride, vain, conceited... but the prior is the definition used in Ecc.)

There are 12 chapters in Ecc. and the word Vanity is in the book 33 times. Of the 33 times the word vanity is used, 22 of the times it was used in a context to say "all (or something specifically) is vanity". I think it's safe to say that this was Solomon's main point.

Another saying that appeared less often was "...striving after wind" usually following the statement of "this also is vanity.... and a striving after wind". Boy, if that phrase doesn't put things into perspective, I don't know what would. This phrase is in the book 8 times.

Another phrase used possibly more often than the word vanity, and I say possibly because I did not count this one, is the phrase of, "under the sun". Which Solomon uses to refer to absolutely everything in and of this world.

Here are some of the verses I was specially fond of...

"Then I saw that there is more gain in wisdom than in folly, as there is more gain in light than in darkness." -2:13

"He has made everything beautiful in its time" -3:11

"I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live..." -3:12

"It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay." -5:5

"For who knows what is good for man while he lives the few days of his vain life, which he passes like a shadow? For who can tell man what will be after him under the sun? -6:12

"In my vain life I have seen everything. There is a righteous man who perishes in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man who prolongs his life in his evil doing." -7:15

"And I commend joy, for man has no good thing under the sun but to eat and drink and be joyful, for this will go with him in his toil through the days of his life that God has given him under the sun." -8:15

"So if a person lives many years, let him rejoice in them all; but let him remember that the days of darkness will be many. All that comes is vanity." -11:8

"Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, 'I have no pleasure in them'". -12:1

"Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bbring every deed into judgement, with every secret thing, whether good or evil." -12:13-14

sometimes i cant think of a title

FIRST OFF: I've found out, yet again, that if you deprive your body of sleep... no matter if it's justified due to school or some other reasonable cause, your body does not care. It will eventually demand sleep and you don't have a choice in the matter any more. I found this out again today.

SECOND OF ALL: I've been suspicious of it for quite awhile, but the other day I finally decided my suspicions were conclusive. Non-Christian guys are a whole lot more gentlemanly than Christian guys. I can't tell you exactly why, I mean I have my thoughts on the subject, but I now know that it is entirely true. Non-Christian guys aren't afraid to tell you that you look nice or beautiful or hold the door or just be a gentleman, with whatever that entails. Christian guys on the other hand have a very hard time telling a girl she looks nice. Sometimes I think that is because he thinks that means he likes her, and he doesn't want to come off the wrong way... like they don't want girls to read into it. Yes, I'll admit girls read into things a bit too much sometimes... but it just seems normal when all the guys at school act like such gentleman. I don't know... I was just thinking about that the other day. Because I feel like it should be the other way around... I guess not though.

THIRDLY: There was a third thing, but I don't remember what it was.

cold hard fact

You know sometimes when you don't want to believe something you test it over and over again just to make sure it is true... well that just seems to be the circumstance in this case. Only no matter how many times I test it... it's still true.

I am allergic to spaghetti sauce. It's not a lie. I finally accepted that fact about a month ago and then tonight I went over to the girls' house and they had spaghetti so naturally I thought to myself, 'oh if i just have a little it will be no big deal'. nope. I was wrong. I had the littlest bit of sause and man do i regret it. I get so sick. I feel disgusting.

Alfredo sause on the other hand, I am fine with. I mean, they are totally different, but an observation nonetheless. But it's okay with me, because I like alfredo sause better-- and maybe it's just because it doesn't make me sick, who knows. But it is also about three times more expensive, which is entirely unfortunate. Because prior to this unfortunate realization, I had enjoyed buying pasta because it was cheap. Oh well.

I was looking over the ingredients of the sauce tonight and couldn't find anything that it could be. It was just like soy oil and dehydrated onions and stuff like that... citric acid is in it, which it could be, because i'm allergic to all the acids in most juices, but i get totally different reactions to both of them, so I didn't think that would be it... but the only other thing is tomato paste. But I'm not allergic to tomatoes. Maybe it's something about how they're processed. who knows.

sleep and the lack there-of

sometimes i forget to sleep.
it is never a problem at night.
but the problem comes in the morning.
when i wish i would have gone to sleep earlier.
but the suffering in the morning...
it never changes my actions at night.

i think it happens because i am so busy.
that late at night is the only time i have for me.
and i enjoy my me-time.
that i just want more of it.
and therefore i end up staying up late.
way past my bed time.
because tomorrow i must rise bright and shiny early.
just like always.
always do i wake up early.
and always once that time arrives
i wish i had gone to sleep earlier.
that alarm
that dang alarm.
it's the death of me.
i wish it would just shut up.
i wish it wouldn't remind me i have to come back to reality.
rarely are my dreams better than reality.
but i enjoy the fact that i can sleep through them.
i can't just sleep through real life.
although i often wish i could.
but tomorrow i must rise.
and attend classes and be happy about it.
for it's not worth it if it doesn't happen with joy.

but joy is hard when on no sleep.
everything is hard when on no sleep.

i should sleep more.

bikes, breathing, and barcodes

BIKES: So today I wanted to go for a bike ride but my bike is at my parents house and that's really far away from where I am, so I didn't know what to do. Thus, I went out and purchased a bike... so there may have been more thought to it than that, but oh well. It's green and pretty sweet. Being as it's a sweet bike, I figured I'd be able to do sweet things with it... haha. That is not necessarily the case. I went over to the gardens and down some stairs... I've never been down stairs on a bike before... maybe I should have put some thought into it before I dove right into it. Oh well... no harm done... I mean, not too much harm done...

BREATHING: My breathing has gotten a lot worse lately. It's pretty frustrating. I would think that Grave's is coming back, but I don't have any other symptoms coming back, which is good, I'd suppose. So yeah... it's frustrating.

BARCODES: I really just wanted another word that started with "B". Barcodes was the first word to come to mind, and it works out, because barcodes fascinate me. I mean... are ALL barcodes different? Don't they have to be? But they are just a sequence of lines... how could there possibly be millions upon millions of barcodes out there and not one of them the same? I'm baffled. It blows my mind.

it's not everyday

results are in.
i don't know what to think.
but i know i'm not crying.
like matty said... it's not everyday you're told you don't have cancer.
hah.
it's a good day.

Lice: and the presence thereof

So tonight was not what was expected. I was planning on hanging out with Haley then going to CRU.
I was pretty excited, as I didn't have AT today and could just do whatever I wanted.
On my way to Haley's, I got a call saying I wasn't allowed to come into their house due to the fact that people I live with had lice.
I guess this makes sense, as I found out around fifty, yes 50, of my friends already had it.
It's just gross if you ask me.
Lice is supposed to be for third graders and that's it.
Not adults.
That's just embarrassing.
So I go back to my apartment and we get a major cleaning session on... as all of us are believed at this point to have it.
Oh man did we deep clean if I have ever experienced a deep clean!
We rented a Rug-Doctor thing to completely clean all of the couches/chairs/etc, along with all the carpet and beds.
We high-heat washed all of our clothes and bagged everything else that wasn't washed.
That stuff will stay in air-tight bags for around one week.
Then it was time to clean ourselves.
All of us had purchased the all-too-expensive lice-be-gone type kits and put them into action.
The process was very similar to dying ones hair.
You need to put it in and let it soak in for awhile and then scrub real hard.
Then came the testing stage... go through everyones hair strand by strand to make sure you got it all.
DONE! We nailed it.
All of us are lice free.
And we plan on staying that way.
Thankfully while we were deep cleaning out apartment Heather's mom graciously came and took all of our clothes and bedding to a laudrymat.
That made things go quicker, as it already took around 5 or 6 hours to deep clean everything.
And then we came to Heather's parent's house, as they conveniently live in Rice to sleep for the night. Being as all our beds are wet from the cleaning and we wanted to leave for awhile as some of the lice-be-gone stuff has stuff that most people are highly allergic to.
So they were also gracious enough to put us up for the night.
All this because we think we all had lice.
Think.
We just wanted to be cautious.
You know... we weren't planning on being the people who two weeks later finds out that we had it all along and now it's way bad.
Now we just hope that all of our friends took as many precautions as we did. Because if they give it to us again...
Man, oh man.
I thought I was upset this time...
I was only upset at the beginning, really.
Now I realized that it was a great roommate bonding time.
Heh.
But sleep is essential.
The evening was very long.

...results...

i'm trying not to think about it
but when i do it scares the crap out of me
the sixth of september
it's okay to be nervous
right?

there is great possibilities for that day
quite possibly one of the best
or one of the worst days of my life
we have yet to find out

i'm just not going to think about it.
but. what if...
i wouldn't know what to do.
or how to respond.
i thought we've been through this already
i thought there's already been so much pain.
i didn't know more was possible.

but what if the news is good.
i haven't prepared myself for that.
i might not know how to respond to that either.
don't get me wrong.
it'd be the best day of my life.

undoubtably there will be tears either way.
God help me.

Good Tidings Mr. Wentworth

So today I'm watching Prison Break season tres... the whole thing, hah. Now, it's no secret that I find Michael Scofield rather attractive. And I was going to set my status on facebook to something like "Ashley has a wicked crush on Michael Scofield" or "Ashley will undoubtably marry Michael Scofield someday" You know... something to that effect.

This was going to take place until I realized something... The difference between girls and guys. In my opinion, it is "socially acceptable" for girls to say "I have a crush on so and so" or "Isn't so and so hot?" But if a guy says something of the sort, the girls just think he's shallow. Because guys are just visually stimulated, right? That's why we think that... but what else are girls stimulated by when we say we're crushing on some famous person? Is it not just their looks? Lets be seroius, Michael Scofield seems like a good guy, but it's not like we've hung out a whole lot, ya know.

So with this all in mind, my status never said anything of the sort. Because if I saw a guys' status say something of the sort, I would probably lose a little respect... maybe just for a day or two, but nonetheless... So if it's not okay for a guy, why should it be okay for a girl?

So I decided to change that part of my life and not speak of guys in that way. Because let's be serious, God made some pretty attractive ones, but lets not idolize, not matter how small the idolization is.

...a dork, or so to speak.

During practice for AT I have been doing sudoku's to pass the time. However, today I did not have my book with me, so I decided to do something that puts me in the "pencil-neck geek" catergory I think. I made sudoku's. I actually thought it was going to be a lot harder than it actually was. It wasn't hard at all... I tried several different ways of doing it... Like doing the numbers box by box or row by row or just filling in all the 1's then 2's etc. Never try it without an eraser by hand though... I mean, if you ever do it, because by the last box/row/number, you'll have to shift some things around... hah.

...bonfires...

I think that fire will forever make me happy... Tonight we had a very large fire at Joes house and burnt many things that probably should never have been burned. It was amazing. It smelled so bad. Fire is so great.

And that is all I have to say about that.

the walls, sweet walls

So I was a little nervous about living in an apartment due to walls which I thought would be thin and sound would travel oh so sweetly right on through them. But what I've found out today is that my music can be to the volume of my liking, and as I step outside my room, nothing can be heard... and if that isn't the sweetest thing I've ever heard, I don't know what is.

Oh, and once upon a time, a girl liked a boy.

the little thing known as life

Sometimes I forget that 9 months out of the year I have no life... and by that I mean I have too much of a life for anything else (like sleeping). Currently I'm at school 11 hours a day and then I go home to sleep, wake up, and do it all over again.

I thought I was busy last year, but this year I have...

• Classes / Homework
• Athletic Training Hours
• Job
• Youth Group
• Bible Study
• CRU Planning Comity
• Church / College Night

and then maybe I'll get to hang out with friends for an hour per week, maybe.

But what I realized today while at youth group, was that in the past I have always felt that i 'had no life' because I was so busy with everything and got no time to rest... but what I realized tonight was that this is the best life could be. Investing in kids' lives is so rewarding... studying God's Word is the best thing I could be doing with my life... planning things to draw people into God's family is way better than sleeping. Church... my family and friends who build me up and take care of me when needed - this is crucial. So where in the past I've thought of them all as just another thing to keep me way too busy, I now see as true life... these are the things that make life worth living...

yet another place to call home

819 5th Ave. S. Apt. #304
St. Cloud, MN 56301


I am posting this only so I will have it once I get back to camp. Because something tells me if I write it on a piece of paper that paper will not end of going to camp with me. This is a fail-safe way of doing it.

The Art of Eating Watermelon: An Inside Look

A couple weeks ago out at camp it was brought to my attention that people would be consuming 1/2 a watermelon in a contest format. I thought to myself, "NBD, that sounds easy." Come the night of the contest, the format had changed a bit -- it was no longer 1/2 a watermelon that each person had to consume, but now it was the entire watermelon. Being as I know many random facts, I knew that watermelon was 98% water. This was an encouragement to me. I thought that meant it would be easy.

Here's the thing I didn't take into consideration: water is very filling, and is capable of making one feel bloated very quickly. The pain. The physical pain. It was so intense. My stomach has never screamed at me as it did that night.

Thoughts on 1st half of the watermelon: "This is no big deal, it should be easy"
Thoughts on 2nd half of the watermelon: "Please, anything but this"


First Place: Guy - 21 minutes 45 seconds.
Second Place: Steve - 36 minutes 36 seconds
Third Place: Josh - 41 minutes 07 seconds
Fourth Place: Ashley - 61 minutes 24 seconds
Fifth Place: Cassie - Threw up at 42 minutes 53 seconds, finished 51 minutes 48 seconds


One thing that I think needs to be added is how watermelon, when consumed at that quantity, clears out a system. Almost instantaneously after I was finished eating it, I was in the bathroom and it was all coming out... and it kept coming for quite some time. But I think that's all I have to say about that.

once again it's all brand new

Camp starts on Saturday... and I think I'm a lot less thrilled about it this summer than all the past summers. But then again to think about it last summer was probably the least thrilled I could ever get, and being as I'm nowhere near the point in life where I was last year (all glory be), I guess I am semi-excited at least. I put my super-hero costume on today to make sure I had everything I needed, and I looked amazing, if I might say so.

I'm actually just incredibly tired because I stayed up talking to Craig for a long time. And since I'm not making any sense to myself, I'm really not sure why I'm attempting to write anything on here. So I probably am excited about camp, I'm just too tired to know it.

On a different note, I am going to the doctor on Thursday (hopefully) for the first time since January -- I think this is a record amount of time that I have spent away from the doctor. So to be honest I'm pretty anxious about it. Not in a bad way, just in a curious way. Because I've pretty much stopped letting people know that I am a sickly person and just fronted being a normal, healthy human being (harder than it sounds a lot of the time) -- and consequently this past semester has been an amazing one.

There is a possibility that I won't be able to go to the appointment due to my labs not getting processed in time (because my new doctors office is insanely slow with everything), in which case I probably wouldn't go until the end of the summer (which is not advisable in any sense of the word).

But Matthew also goes in for a docs appt. on Thursday and I'm way more anxious about his results... and this one is anxious in the bad way I do believe. But hey, I know it's all in God's hands. Anxious or not, the results will be the same, and God's will will be done.

a measly fortnight

It has officially been two weeks since my last post on here, and I find that entirely unacceptable. Since that time I have transitioned from St. Cloud back home into a bedroom that doesn't feel like mine.

I love the fact that I live with Matty because I never have to find anything to do, he just plans out my life for me... accept for tonight when he was gone and I was completely at a loss as to what to do.

This weekend we're going on our 2nd annual camping trip to the north shore which I am completely excited for. I think I'm getting excited for camp now too, but the jury is still out on that one.

I took a nap earlier, and by that I mean I passed out for three hours due to an unusual level of tiredness... so I cannot bring myself to go to sleep just yet, but at the same time have to get up bright and early to get on my way for the camping trip. Such a battle.

let it not be mine

Lately I have been thinking of plans for me life... I rarely plan my days out more than one or two days ahead of the here and now, and yet lately it has been in the far future that my plans have been made. I realize, however, that all of these plans are very tenative, as I don't know what God has in store for me in the future... so I need to keep my options open, but also knowing that none of my options might come to be.

So first of all I was thinking about a summer project next summer to Colorado, which I'm not gonna lie I was pretty stoked about, so the jury was still out on if that was my idea I put into my head or God's. Then today I was talking with Jeff and found out he is officially the new youth pastor at Westwood... meaning I can start helping out with the youth group. Not that I couldn't before, but since he was just the interm, I didn't want to only help for a short-while. But I can't know about that until I find out about my schedule in the fall for AT. Also, I don't know if God has me working with the youth group at Westwood, or Awana at Calvary... because that is an option too. And if I work with the youth group at Westwood... it is very likely that we'll be taking a missions trip to India "the untouchables" next summer, in which case I wouldn't be doing the whole summer project thing.

So all this to say, I have a lot to pray about, and a lot of clarity yet to come-- but at the same time I know that I have a lot time to decide about it. But I can't express how much I would love to work along side Jeff with the youth group.... so I can only hope and pray that my AT hours work with the schedule. Which I will be doing... praying, that is.


God, I just ask that you would give me clarity as to what you have in store for me. I want your will to be done in my life, not my own. I ask that you would strip me of my will so that I would not confuse it with yours. It's time for bed.

my friend job

Yesturday I finished up the Timothy's and today I headed into Job. The first chapter of Job is the most known and talked about... sometimes I question if anybody actually reads the rest of Job. I know I've read it a few times, but this time I'm going to take my time and really try to understand where he is coming from and what's actually taking place in the conversations that Job is having in the last 26 chapters of the book.

Now when people speak of Job, I'd probably say the most common reference from his book (and by "his book" I mean the book written about him, because as I learned this morning, he did not actually write the book) is Job 1:20-21 where it states,
"20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. 21 And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."
Usually you hear this passage right before singing Blessed Be the Name of the Lord... and don't get me wrong, I think it is a very powerful passage, but praising God in hard times has never come that difficult to me -- Maybe it's because I started dealing with some pretty tough stuff at a pretty young age that I didn't know to do any different, who knows. But the passage in Job that speaks volums to me is Job 1:7&8
"The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” 8 And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?”
What an honor! The God of the entire universe says that there is no one like him in all the earth. If that's not what we should be striving for, I don't know what is. God practically tells satan to tempt Job because God is sure that Job will not budge. That never ceases to amaze me. Ever. That is my prayer... that God would look on me and call me blameless and upright... and that He would be sure that I will not waiver under temptation. I think temptation is the wrong word... I'm not sure what word to use though. Test, maybe test would be a better word. Because satan is testing his trust and faith in God.

all glory be to the lamb who was slain.

the cell which is commonly freed

I have realized that my time-waster of choice is freecell. If ever I want to put off studying or sleep or really anything, I play freecell. I used to look at the game and think it couldn't be done, but now I get the job done pretty much every time. It is possible to win every time, you just have to want it.

Also, the appartment complex across the way from my house must be jacked up. Because police are always there. And it's not the "let's hang out while we're on our shift" type of always there. But about this time, usually anywhere from midnight to three in the morning there comes a police with it's lights on tearing into the place. This happens at least a couple times a week, and at least a couple times a month, if not more, there are like five or six cop cars congragated over there... flashing lights and blocking the road, and the whole deal. I enjoy it quite thoroughly, actually. It is quite entertaining. But I always wonder why. And I know they expect it, because I'd say 5 out of 7 nights a week there is a cop stationed right outside my house, in perfect view of my bedroom window... so I usually go to sleep to flashing blue and red lights. I've actually highly considered going out and asking them, but I figure that's just weird.

"love what you do and do what you love"

That quote is kind of redundant if you ask me. If are doing what you love, then obviously you should love doing it. But I guess that isn't always the case...

Now I would say that it's safe to say that I enjoy learning... just usually not in a school context. The forceful learning just takes the fun and mystery out of it for me, I guess. But tonight as I was studying for my Evaluation of Athletic Injuries of the Lower Extremities class, specifically learning about the hip and thigh tonight, I realized that it wasn't a drag. And even though I have a test tomorrow and I need to learn oodles of information, I like it. I enjoy learning the information, even when it comes down to crunch time. And I enjoy the fact that I love what I'm learning.



Oh, and if possible, or even remotely plausible, I would choose to chizzle away the muscles in my back... because I am sure that it would feel better than it does right now.

A New Day

So the other day I was thinking back on my life and decided that Aug. 22, 2007 was the worst day of my life. It's the day I found out matt had cancer. I have never cried harder. I was just thinking about that. I've been thinking about the past a lot this semester. Not in a bad way, but with new eyes... with new insight. Reflecting on where I have been, and where I am currently, and how I have changed. I feel like I am night and day from a year ago today even. It blows my mind sometimes when I think about it. Sometimes there are earthly desires to go back to where I was, but those are always fleeting desires.

Then to think back to last semester and how I am night and day even from then.... only in an entirely different sense. Last semester I was so close to dropping out of school and checking into the hospital perminantely... and this semester I feel as healthly as I ever have. It's very strange, for sure. To be honest, I don't ever remember being this healthy... I say that knowing that I am not, but still feeling like I am. And I'm not sure if that season of my life has past completely or I am just on a little vacation from all of my sickness. I mean, there may be a reason that I haven't found out the results of the uptake that I took in Febraury -- I mean, it's a good way to make me not worry about it.

Last night in Bible study we looked at the last half of Ephesians 2, the part that stuck out to me particularly was:

12 remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. 13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. 14 For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility 15 by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, 16 and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility.

I liked that Paul was reminding them to remember where they had come from-- because then we can so much more appreciate where we are at now. He was specifically referring to before and after salvation... but I just applied it to all aspects of my life. So many times we forget where we came from and thus are not thankful enough for where we are at currently. So many times I go through my days not thankful for my health because I forget how sickly I was last semester. But those time when I do remember- they are so sweet... and all glory is given to my God.


Today I'm tired... $5 Prom is tonight, so that should be some crazy fun.

little is much

Sometimes I feel like God forgets that He has the power to perform miracles... because when it comes down to it, I don't understand why He doesn't sometimes. But that is also the beauty of not being God and not seeing the whole picture. Sometimes I wish I could see the whole picture... but that eliminates the growing period I guess, which is usually pretty crucial. I may never understand death though... or sickness. I have experienced a lot of sickness in my life, and I'm okay with it... rarely do I understand it at the time, and usually it sucks pretty bad, but I'm always, for some reason, okay with it. Maybe that's because I've accepted it as part of my life, like I have realized that sickness will always be apart of me.

But I can never quite accept it being apart of someone else. It is a whole different picture... specially when death awaits at the end of the sickness... I'm not okay with that. And I feel like the people I know who this has happened to would be the last people on this plante who deserved it, if we were speaking in those terms. People who have done with work of the Lord their entire lives.

I've been praying for Jane alot these days... and the song "Everything Glorious" by David Crowder has come to mind alot as well. It is the song that got me through my hell semester... and she will be made glorious. Today when I was praying for her was when I just thought that God had to forget he could save her... because I have no other explination why He hasn't. And I realize that that is completely naive of me, but it's what my heart feels, though I know it isn't truth. The mayo clinic says that they've never seen anyone degrade as fast as she has-- in a way I take comfort in that, knowing that the suffering time will decrease as well-- but in a way I think it means that I don't know if God is going to heal her. I mean... she deserves to be in His presence... how amazing. But how hard for everyone back here.


My Jesus, you make everything glorious.

the great escape

note to self: look up artist Phil Wickham – supposively really good, and sounds like Shawn Mcdonald.

--written thurs night-- but no internet because our internet sucks --
So tonight a group came to Cru that was called “the traveling team’’ or something to that effect. They came and shared about “missions” although I don’t want to use that word. Because the word missions has so many connotations to it. And they took all of the connotations of missions and smashed them to pieces, basically. It was good, real good. If it was on tape (and by that I mean cd) I would have purchased it, for sure. They just basically talked about how people say that they haven’t heard a call from Jesus, when they are missing that it is a command – to bare witness to Christ. So I didn’t really read into it at all besides the fact that I thought it was really good and I really liked the scripture they used. It didn’t seem like God was talking to me specifically through it, but it was great nonetheless.

They afterwards at Calvary I got to talking with Erica Pridey, whom I haven’t talked to this whole year pretty much. And we got to talking about project… not in any way that she brought it up and was pressing it upon me at all – but she got to talking about her job this summer at a church out in CO. And I got to asking about the project that goes on out there every other summer. It is childcare during the day, and witnessing during the nights… so it’s what I love during the day, and what I need during the nights. And it’s Colorado… can you say adventure? Now I’ve always had a huge blockade in my mind towards project… and mostly because my heart is at camp. But that’s where MY heart is… and maybe not where God’s heart is for me anymore. And I don’t want to say anymore like it won’t ever be again – like I know this summer I will still be at camp and God will still use me there. But at the same time, specially after talking with Adam Roub about going on a project then coming back to camp with so much more knowledge. I want that knowledge that you could only get on project, and as much as I don’t want to admit it and I say it’s not, camp is my safe haven. Yes it is challenging, but it’s safe. It’s what I know.

It’s not a done-deal, but it’s something that I will be prayerfully considering. I also think it’s a good thing that I’m going into the summer thinking about it, so I don’t go about the summer acting like I’ll just be there next year, because I think that I have taken things for granted when I do that, because every year, I am with a good amount of certainty that I will be there the following year. But if I go into the summer and looking at it that I won’t be there the next, I will do everything with so much more passion I think. At least that will be my prayer.
So God right now I ask that you would guide me. I ask that you would show me Your will, and that my ideas, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, would not be effected in this decision… that I would be completely relying on you to decide my next summer. I realize that it is still a ways away and I need to be focusing on the here and now, but this would be a big step for me. Help me to lay down my desires and seek yours. But I ask that yours would be made clear to me. I ask that you would put Godly people in my life or use ones already in my life to make the decision clear to me.

the apple

i guess today i'm seeing things differently. she was only trying to protect herself... i do the exact same thing. we has humans protect ourselves. if a situation is causing us pain and doesn't appear to change, we get out. it's instinct. i can't hold that against her. i now have to get over 15 years of resenting her... which will undoubtably be a challenge. but i like challenges, right? like the challenge of getting to my next class in five minutes, hah. hopefully i'll get to know her and maybe ever bridge the gap of our family again (HIGHLY unlikely, but remember how i like challenges?) No, my only goal in this situation is to maybe get to know my long-lost grandmother and show her the love of Christ, as I know she needs it so desperately.

"I guess I took the easy way out"

bev laskowski said this to me. i have been resenting her lately. i shot her a letter and she responded real quick-- and i guess i didn't like her response. i've been dealing with that a lot i guess.

here and gone

Sometimes I write entire posts and then realize they were completely pointless and the only real reason that I have written them is because I cannot find anything else to do... so then I delete them due to the fact they are full of gibberish.

hard as wound

I have a busy life... it's true. But doesn't everybody to an extent? Some busier than others, yet most think their own life is incredibly busy. So I decided that some people probably have a busier life than I, therefore I can stop thinking my life is busy in account that it is not as busy as it probably could be.... and therefore I must have spare time somewhere in my schedule. All this to say that I am going to read a book this week... I haven't read much this semester because I've felt my schedule is too busy and in my spare time I read text books. But I am going to make it a point to read a book this week... probably in the time that I'd usually be online. Because let's face it, this is not entirely necesary.

b-u to the dish

Tonight the seminar was all about catastrophies with athletes and how to deal with them... and along with that we talked a lot about death in athletics... Going into the seminar I didn't even consider that it would effect me how it did. For a lot of it I could concentrate on nothing but thoughts of Brian.... and how it is still almost surreal to me. Then I realized it's only been 3.5 months-- that's not a lot period of time. They talked about how most people don't deal with death right away but it takes most people a little while to actually grasp onto the fact... but I replay that night over and over in my head.... I was driving home from school and for some reason, still completely unknown to me, God put Brian on my heart to pray for him and his family.... and I was passing through Becker when my mom for some reason called, I cannot remember why... I remember her words so vividly... the sound, how she said it..... "ashley, brian died this morining..." I instantly felt more anger than I've ever felt. I almost instantly also burst into tears, and hung up the phone without saying a word... the second the phone closed I sobbed for the remainder of the trip home. My first thought was, 'it's my fault' --I'm not sure how it could have been my fault-- I thought that because I hadn't prayed for him the past couple days... that for some reason those few prayers that I missed were God's reason for allowing him to die... that if I had just remembered to pray for him constantly, that God would have spared his life. But the guilt that I felt-- and why? Am I so prideful to think that it was my lack of prayer that allowed him to die? ...but I think it was less pride and more pain... trying to reason and understand his death, needing to put blame somewhere, and knowing it should never be placed on God.

On the way home that night my tears nearly blinded me, but I wouldn't stop driving... I almost wanted to crash so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. I still keep the bulletin from the funeral right by my bed with my bible.

I guess all this to say that I did experience immediate horrific pain... but then I think I tried to shove it away... pretend that I'm up at school and because I wouldn't see him everyday up here that life still went on as usual back home. But that seminar was really hard for me.


tonight i cry... tonight i continue to mourn... whatever mourn means. i miss him. i wish when i go home i can see him... i wish when i see his family everything can be okay... i wish that its not different... but how can i be so selfish? how can i wish he was back here? how can i wish him away from his perfect body? how can i wish him away from true and complete communion with God? ...he doesn't suffer anymore. no more treatments. no more pain. no more worries. i need to find my joy in that.


i just needed to get all my emotions out tonight-- i don't think i've ever expressed how this has made me feel... this is just a glimpse.




"i come to you in pieces, so you can make me whole..."

spring is in the now

So as I was about to walk home from school tonight - which was abnormally late due to an NATA seminar that I had - I was about to call a roommate to come get me because it was so late, but then I stepped outside and realized that I wanted to walk home... it is so gorgeous outside- I could even see stars! The cool night air was delightful to breathe in, the temperature was perfect, and I was listening to some amazing music, and I'm not sure how the night could have been better... my life is good... God, is good.

Mid-Day Hoopla

So I just have athletic training for four hours a day this week, because it's spring break... So what on earth is there to do in college town when every college kid is out of the town? Buy a pizza and watch movies... so that's what i did... and it was joyous. I watched two movies, and have two reviews:



Into the Wild: The soundtrack was much like that of Garden State, so right away I enjoyed the music, and there was a lot of it, so the movie had that going for it. I thought the movie was put together well and it wasn't boring, although it potentially had that effect being as it just followed a guy being a hippie/nomad. Going into this movie I had no idea that it was based on a true story... and had I, I probably wouldn't have watched it. Because when its a true story, that means it probably won't have a happy ending, call me a critic, but most times real live stories don't have the fairy-tale endings. I enjoyed the movie, I really did... all the way up until the last five minutes.... when the man died. It was so close (in my mind) to being a heart-warming, feel-good ending, and then it didn't. I almost sat in disbelief... thinking "i can't believe i just wasted my life watching that movie" ...all the while five minutes prior i would have recommended the movie to all. Not anymore -- no siree.

Gone Baby, Gone: I came into this movie not knowing much about it... except that it wasn't based on a true story-- i checked. Now, on the back cover where it describes the movie, it said there were many twists to the movie... never could a description been more correct. I thought the movie was over 1/2 way into it. So in this sense, I thought the movie did drag on for far too long. And although twists in movies are good for the suspense factor, I think this movie had one too many* twists to it... I didn't even catch everything there were so many twists-- and I'm pretty sure you were supposed to at least track with them. So I would recommend Man on Fire if you wanted to see a movie about a kidnapping-- it is at least ten times better than this movie. Although, I did like Casey Affleck-- who, I can only assume is Ben Afflecks brother. I'm not really into the whole celebrety thing, but I thought he was a very talented actor.




*i say one too many as a figure of speech, because i think it had way too many

Soli Deo Gloria

Saturday, the 1st of March I went to Forever Yours Tattoo in Anoka and got a tattoo. At the same time Matt got two on his feet. As each day passes, I enjoy it more and more.... if nothing else but the pure significance of what it means.

leap day

this is leap year. and this is leap day. i almost went through the entire day without even knowing that. i am almost appauled. such a unique day... i feel like there should be posters everywhere. i found out reading someones status on facebook which read "...is wishing you a happy leap year" lame, right. now that i know what i know, today shall be unique and amazing.

becoming jane

although it was a true story, and i realize they didn't want to completely deviate from the actual story, i didn't like the ending... the movie had great potential for the ending to be good... and for jane austen to have a very romantic life-- but nope. it may have a lot to do with the fact that i like good endings to movies or the entire movie gets written off in my mind. now take out the ending, and i still don't think they had enough character development in the movie. maybe you're supposed to know the characters already, i don't know. i'm not a novel type of person.

but what i do know is that i have to get up early tomorrow and go to the chiropractor, so as for now, i shall go to sleep.

determination

determination is what i need: i started crocheting a blanket today. However, I got farther today on this one than I did working on my last one for a month.... i like this one better anyways, so that's a good thing-- i am usuing a hook twice the size, so that should definately help.

i slept 11 hours last night -- and i needed every single one of them... and right now i'm barely keeping my eyes open, so hopefully i'll sleep lots tonight as well.

i got bread crumbs all over my carpet tonight-- but good thing we have like three vaccums in this house--those will be helpful at a time like this.

friday night i went to upsala to watch krystal and greta's last dance at the bball game... that was pretty fun. then i went over to the swansons and had a blast until the wee hours of the morning... like always. good times. i like that family... a lot.

out of all the superhero movies, i think spiderman might be my least favorite... although i've never seen the hulk. maybe i should put that on my to-do list. i think i've pretty much seen all the rest though.... i should look that up. more to come.

countless sleepless nights

ashley thinks that she'll never actually get a good nights sleep again... but long awaits the day when i prove myself wrong.

the radioactive iodine that has been in me all day doesn't like me very much... it's making my stomach feel like everything that is not good in this world.

the bema seat was good tonight. much better the first time i saw it, however.

i'm going to sleep.... then getting up at 530.... so help me God. no, really. i need help.

i hate the doctor

i hate no doctor specifically, although there are a few that are on my list for the top people i do not exactly like.... i have so many doctors i have realized that its getting a little ridiculous. most people have one, maybe two doctors. I have... lets see here... nine that I can think of off the top of my head that I see on at least semi-regular occasion. And I'm on a first-name basis with three of the doctors' nurses. Meaning I call in and say "Hey it's me ashley again, call me back". man I see these doctors way too much. specially because i have to make all my appointments at seven in the morning to avoid missing classes. When really, going to the doc is a legit reason to skip a class or two, but apparently i have to deal with my conscience on top of everything.

i'm just getting sick of the doctor. all of them. in general. and those feelings are combinding with the fact that i'm caring less and less about my health -- and i'm not too sure how good that is for me.... i'm just glad that i don't have to go in twice a week anymore... because i was about to just forget it and never go anymore.... but good thing i switched doctors and now he wants me to come in every four months for him... which i can do. but he did order more tests for me that take place at 7am.... i thought for sure that i had every test in the book... oh wait, i have.... now we're just repeating tests for funzies.

oh... the joy.

late nights

Oh, how I so enjoy no sleep. It is most definately the highlight of my nights, and especially my days. Wait... no. I'm pretty sure I am severely sleep deprived at this moment in time. My schedule with school leaves no time to breathe or sleep, really. Then this past weekend I was at camp so there was no recooperating. Specially because I went right from camp to 5 hours of AT on Sunday, then came home to hours of homework. Then tonight I had to give into an energy drink so I'd be able to stay up and study for spanish... which I'm oober glad that I did. Because I know hardly any spanish, and being as I have a test tomorrow... learning spanish was a good idea... so is having a roommate who is fluent. That is nice too. Go Brooke.

Everything hurts all over. I am one big bruise. Both my knees are entirely not skin colored anymore, but rather blue purple black and green. yum. Then, for some reason my stomach is bruised as well, and more my sides too. The knees obviously were from broomball this past weekend, but I do not recall getting too many sticks to the stomach-region. So who knows. But the bruises on my stomach/sides are much more painful then my knees, because it hurts to move in any direction because its my torso... which is involved in most all motions of the body.

Good thing I didn't schedule a chiro appt for the morning -- I will not want to be getting up, that is for sure. So that means I shall go now so I can get the most hours of sleep possible.... and maybe in the morning I won't feel so crappy... but don't worry, I bought an extra energy drink so I can make it through the day tomorrow... oh how I hate energy drinks, or moreso hate the fact that I have deprived myself of so much sleep that I cannot function without them-- even though it was completely out of my control... sort of.

randomosity

Camp: twas sr high winter this weekend, and was an absoulte blast. once again heath and i's cabins paired up to make a wicked sweet broomball team. it was pretty fun, i'm not gonna lie. and greta, one of kari swansons little sisters was in my cabin which pretty much made my weekend.

Vacations: mom is bringing dad on my dream vacation that she won't even enjoy. i am bitter about that. quite bitter. she knew that 1. it is the vacation i have been pushing for for years but she always said no because she didn't want to do it. and 2. and i am definately ready for a vacation becausae its been like 7 years, and its been a lot shorter for everyone else in my family. so yes, i am bitter. she'll know soon enough. i'll probably tell her.

Cramps: suck.

Rendition: was an excellent movie. it wasn't an action movie, per say, because there was little to no action. but it was too action-like to be a drama. definately wasn't a comedy or pure romance. so i'm not sure which catergory to put it in. i like it all except there was about 2 minutes of closure to the movie, and i usually like movies to have more closure than that.

sistas

I love hannah. Could I have a better sister? I submit that I could not!

it's bedtime two hours ago

I see the strongest and smartest people who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. An entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy crap we don't need. We're the middle children of history. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.
-fight club-

give me a break.... it's my first night back.

my dead heart now is beating...

I deleted all of my old posts, as this is a fresh start... but decided to leave one, as it is one of my most favorite passages from scripture. Man... those snow plows are loud!

a new start

Okay so I've only written on here spuratically over the past several years... and it used to bring me so much joy having someone to tell my thoughts from the day, even if it was the lowly internet. But hark, I shall start again...

So to start it off right... how about those Jehovahs Witnesses? Usually you'd think of them to be the ones who stop at your door and won't leave you alone, right? Well in St. Cloud we actually have some really nice Jehovahs witnesses... I've ran into them several times in the past month, on campus and around the neighborhood -- why they are out in the bitter cold is beyond me -- but each time I've ran into them it's always been a pleasent experience. They are overall nice guys who aren't looking to cram their beliefs on me. And if for nothing else, I respect them for that. So that's nice.

One more thing... this is the third week this month that I've had my period... it's getting pretty old pretty quick... and pretty expensive too!